And Then....

Endless

2011-10-29T11:53:00.001-07:00

Endless dead ends to choose from. But only one road.

Round and round I go, like an arrow from an archer's bow.

So many things to think but not know

Sweet invitations to taste and see

that the lord is Good/...God almighty

I want to be sure.

Certainty aludes me.

Restless moons rise above my sleeping place

I pace the floor of the cage with my heart

pounding and stomping

Snarling and gnashing of teeth

I would rend my defenses limb from limb

Accept, I want them

like them, need them, love them even.

Slivers of JuJu inserted strategically

casue confusion, delusion, illusion

But I am sure. Of that.

Steps slow and deliberate but without wisdom

I race forward arms flung wide

Smile wide

legs wide

stride wide

into the abyss

There is no way to know

if i can fly

If your wings are enough for both of us

If prowling heart will not devour all

that is left

I am a conservationist at heart. In heart.

I would rather give away bodies.

And visions.

And dreams.

And wishes.

Here I stay, in cage like finches

nails dug in like trenches

lines drawn in my mind like sand

while you reach for my hand.

So I rant, on and on

endless verse without consistent rhyme or reason

like time without season

the way my body betrayes me is like treason

your hands touch like salve

healing the urge to love what I can never have

Still i wait

Anticipating the eventual arrival of a pattern

to my ramblings

preparing for the inevitable silence of inner

panic

Silencing my mind, like manic

Where is the innocence?

in the dissonance?

the off chord or chance that

choice is true

that life could be good.

And then came you......

K.I.M. to K.I.S.S.

2011-10-29T11:45:00.001-07:00

Kim should be my name.

Cause I've kept it moving for so long, and through so much that I think that will be my Moniker. KIM. Sometimes when KIM caint do what she do so well, I get to catch up. But being still is foreign. I've kept it moving the way the horses in Central Park walk and wear blinders, I have K.I.M. Kim has blocked the hurt, the pain, the defeat, the lost, the confusion sometimes even whole chuncks of memory. It seemed that I turned off the part of me that left an option for failure, quitting and or having a break down. But Kim is tense and knotted up all around the shoulders from carring the world in her back pack. Kim's shoes are wearing thin and so is her patience. Where is the middle ground between Kim and falling apart. Just staying afloat takes so much. Where is the balance in this? Kim has done so much for me, I don't want to destroy, dismantle, disrespect or disregard her. I only wonder what I might be missing with her at the wheel. How do I get back to me? I think sometimes that I am not even sure who or what that might be. ( of course otherdays its the otherway) But today, I am contemplating KIM. Keeping It Moving.

KIM

When I know I just played myself.

KIM

When I don't know where it's coming from. (money, time, dinner..etc.)

KIM

When um tired.

KIM

When um scared.

KIM

When um angry and want to bash mister's head in.

KIM

When the days fly by with service to little one's creating memories that I can't remember.

KIM

When KIM wont move.

So KIM that I don't know whats left in the carnage. Don't know what I would have, could have, should have been. Making my way back to me is a long road. But Um on it, knowing that God damn it!! I've gotta do this for me. Not cause I need more money, or more friends, or a man or to be sexy, but because I need me!! All the little pieces that I gave away, lost, discarded, all the pieces that were taken as momentos, I need them. I WANT them!! I claim them now. By virtue of the power invested in me to KIM, I pronounce myself IMPORTANT to me and on bambi like legs I begin/continue the next phase of KISS (Keep it Still & Silent).

I don't know what I will find, develope, become or discover but Its my only me.

I know I won't be doing this alone, I desire, can use, would enjoy the prayers of my loved ones. I welcome your kind words you gentle hugs and your strong hugs. You are my reflection. Keep being you in all your glory and remind me of Gods wonder and power.

I Love you!

KIM to KISS!

Surama

Keep It Moving to Keep It Still and Silent!!!

We Teach what we believe...

2009-11-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

and learn what we do not know. We live what we know and share our lives with others.

A coupla days ago I was on my way home and decided to stop into the National shrine. For those of you who don't know about this place, its Beautiful! Its located in Washington DC and is a collection of shrines to the "Virgin Mother" from all over the world. Yeah,Yeah, I know some of you have a one sided view of the whole virgin mother thing and react strongly to the mention of this icon. However, I have my own view of this that I would like to offer you.

When I think of Mary I think of the single mindedness of a woman's dedication to providing for her loved ones, the way a mother will stop at nothing to see her child succeed, the way a wife will stand by her husband through thick and thin, the way "big momma"/Madea (Mother Dear) Holds the family together. I think about the way this energy will drive someone to reach beyond themselves to serve, save and elevate the family and community. This type of devotion and dedication is what generates change in our homes, our schools, and our communities. Not to mention that each of them looks different! They come from all over the world and the architecture is fabulous.

As I walk through the various shrine rooms and read the prayers of others, I think of all the reverent energy and thought directed toward God. I soak up this connection that is present.

Disclaimer: This is not a subscription to the catholic religion. It is respect for spirit no matter where it is found.

I sit and listen, I walk and think, I kneel and pray. I open to hear the insight of spirit as I release my stresses of the day. And this is what was said.

We teach what we believe and learn what we do not know. We live what we know and share our lives with others.

What does this mean? Depending on how you think about it, and how you emphasize it when you read, it could mean several different things. For me, it reminded me of "The Witch of Portabello" where the main character was instructed to teach and that the teaching did not require and specific/particular content but that the content would come out of the intention to teach. Teaching gives voice to our beliefs, things that have not yet become so much a part of our being that words do not come forth to describe them. Sorta like trying to put your whole life into words. You can't. You have to live it.

In our desire and determination to teach, we realize those things in us that we have not yet come to know. Those points of inconsistency in our practice, the insecurity and unsure points in the positions we've taken become apparent when we decide to teach them. Like they say, " if you want a person to learn something, ask them to teach someone else."

The things we know. We live. For instance, we know that fire burns and therefore do not jump into it, or touch it with out serious provocation or extreme need. We avoid it at all cost. This we live, and our behavior need not be explained. (at least not very often, and then only to those who are recently inhabiting bodies, otherwise its assumed to be an understanding that everyone older than 2 has acquired pretty well)

When we share our lives with young ones, they imitate our understanding of fire. They come to respect it because we do. They learn to light stoves, ovens, fire places, incense, candles, lanterns.... and all with out setting themselves or the house on fire. (again, generally speaking. I'm not referring to accidents or pyromania, or other unusual circumstances.)

All of us have heard the phrase, "don't do as I do, do as I say" and we've also heard, "children learn what they live". I introduce these two phrases to illustrate the fact that the power of our living, and teaching even, is in our own integrity. Only what we live with conviction is truly transferable to another. When we become the concept through our living ( the act of knowing something) can we be that for another and therefore expose them to the process of being (knowing something) anything.

This is why no matter what your parents tell you about sex and alcohol, most people will at least try it once. (usually more than that, and I did say most, not all). I grew up in a place that said we should not have sex or drink alcohol. They didn't tell us what we should do, just that we should wait. They didn't, which was evidenced in the very small age gaps between us and our parents. They forgot we could count! So, as soon as opportunity presented itself, we were off to the races, doing every thing we could figure to do. The abstinence advocates had no real conviction regarding the utility of waiting. I know people with different experiences of course but I'm focused on those who lacked conviction or reason for the waiting.

So what Surama! Whats the point of all this? You might be asking. The point is, each of us has something to teach! Teach it! And you'll know yourself better. The better you KNOW yourself, the more you will transmit through your life. Let your life be an example to back up your lessons, the closer they align the more powerful you will know yourself to be. And within it all remember love. For self, family and community.

Monogamy?....Monogamy....Monogamy! 102909

2009-10-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

What is monogamy? I know some of my sista's don't really want to hear anymore from me surrounding this subject. But I have to say these things and I really do look forward to some honest dialog. We have to be the voice of reason for each other.
When I was struggling with this issue in my own relationship, (not that I'm so over it), the idea of monogamy I devised for myself is this:

Monogamy/monogamous: When you and another person agree to bear witness to the life and times of each other. When you decide to simply be another pair of eyes to observe the development of a God. The choice to say Amen (peace) to all of another's life challenges.

Love in its own right does not demand control. It has not external requirements. It is a consistent lighting of the path of peace. Love really does not get offended. Cause if that were the case, God would have discontinued its services long ago.

The fact is, most of us use monogamy as a tool of total domination.(cheer announcer voice with lasers: Total Domination!) We only accept our beloved when he or she is being good. Not remembering that what another person does aint got nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with who they are choosing to be. How YOU RESPOND has everything to do with you. And I mean, evaluate your response with the removal of excuses. Like for instances, we broke up because he was always late and that made me feel like he didn't respect my time or me. (personal one here folks) Now, I could have corrected this by moving ahead with my plans and not adjusting to accommodate this individual beyond what I found enjoyable, which would have been more powerful, since I would have insured my own self importance. But I didn't. I focused outwardly, and broke it off. And now, I am repeating this lesson with someone else.

I recognize when trying to put this into words that this is a complex issue that is recommended only for those choosing total responsibility. And I do mean TOTAL responsibility for all that they experience. I crafted my definition of monogamy out of my own drive toward total responsibility. I recognized that my capacity to love went beyond the need to control someone. Or to submit to someone else's control.

Most of all, I guess I've been tryna figure out why, Why, WHY this issue is so *&^T important to the concept of love. How many relationships would still be intact if we released the need to control and stroke our own ego's? And I know this paradigmn is not common and I grapple with it when someone I want to spend time with is too busy, or not responsive, or not interested even. So do I get mad? Do I punish them later? Or do I feel gratitude for the opportunity to see the others in my life that I can also enjoy? Learning to flow folks is key! Open up and realize that all worthy relationships will bring you deep and lasting change if you let it.

Do you equate putting it on lock with love? Are you still tryna figure out how to stop ya wo/man from cheating, or wanting to cheat, or thinking of cheating, or planning on cheating? Are you tryna foil his/her plans to get out the box? But more than that, Is it working? Are you happy when he/she submits to your will? Are you satisfied when they stop tryna be bigger/larger than life? Is it your wish that they stay home and stare at you and only do what you enjoy? Where do we draw the line?

Disclaimer: I am not advocating irresponsible and reckless behavior that can result in death, dismemberment, emotional destruction to anyone outside of your self. If sex is the issue, use a condom. Other wise, do you.

When I was a pseudo monogamist, I adhered to the classic rendition of monogamy, cause I was afraid of anything else and because I was a control freak and believed that by being in control of that I would be happier. Now, I'm learning to love. Instead of control. It has taken time to develop a sense of self that allows others to also be themselves. But damn it folks....

I really want to say, "Stay together, love each other, be patient, say amen once in a while, when you aren't sure what to do next, just try love and acceptance. (not agreement, acceptance) I know it can work. If we work it on out this life time"

How do I...102909

2009-10-29T14:40:00.001-07:00

Put into words the extremity of change that I experience.
How can I put into words the days I spend retreating from my life trying to get a view of things from the top.
How can I put into words the reason I need all day Saturday in my bed.
How can I put into words how much I need you.
How can I put into words how powerful I know I am.
How can I put into words how afraid I am of that power.
How can I put into words how deeply I want to live my life with no regrets or doubt.
How can I put into words the level of importance God holds in my daily decisions.
How can I put into words what it means when I trust you anyway, even though you don't really want me to.
How can I put into words what it is I'm really offering you.
How can I put into words the complexity that is me.
How can I put into words the duality of my being, don't you feel it too.
How can I put into words what I see when I look at you, look at me, looking at you.
How can I put into words the words I'm thinking and the prayers I'm offering.
How can I put into words the desperation I feel when I want to leave the path I'm on.
How can I put into words the deep knowing I have about my identity.
How can I put into words the joy I feel at my clarity.
How can I put into words the sorrow at my lack of execution.
How can I put into words ....what can only be lived.
How can I put life into words. And have it still be life.

When do we stop being humans and start being old? 102209

2009-10-29T14:39:00.000-07:00

So um in the grocery store a coupla weekends ago and I'm standing behind an older gentleman. He turns to me and asks, "How old are you?" and of course I answer truthfully, cause he's my elder and I tell him 34. He says No way! You can't be any more than 25. I laugh because I think he's being cute and he's charming. I also thought he was with the woman in front of him and that his conversation with me was a branch off of a conversation they had been having. But it wasn't. He proceeds to flirt with me through the check out line and he's quite charismatic and engaging. I enjoyed the banter. Eventually, he gets up the nerve to ask me if I would spend some time with him. I know I didn't say this yet but we established his age as 73 years 10 months. He wants me to help him celebrate his birthday! He’s turning 74.

A million thoughts.....

1. Awwww he's so cute for an old guy.
2. What do these people think of me flirting with this old ass man?
3. Is he trying to just get some booty? Some of these old guys ain't no different than the young guys.
4. What would his children think...of course he has children older than me
5. Why doesn't he hang out with some one his own age.
6. Well he is funny and seems ok.
7. Does he think that he can just buy my time?
And on, and on and on.....

But I agree to give him my number. After all, we were having a nice conversation.

When he walks me to my car he shares with me that at his age, there aren't a lot of people his age who want to be active and that he gets bored. He went on to say that he doesn't want to spend all his days laying around watching TV and he'd like some pleasant company when he goes out to the movies. We continued chatting at my car and he reluctantly asked me for a hug. Immediately assuming that I would refuse. But I didn't. There seemed to be such a need to connect with another person that I saw no harm in giving a brief embrace to this "stranger". We parted company with the plan to call and keep in touch as we approached his birthday time.

This encounter started me thinking...along with an article on Alzheimer’s and sex among the elderly (Washington City Paper)...about the question of aging and the elderly. I know that as I've gotten older, my ability to feel emotionally has not diminished. (Of course I'm not 73..but I'll let you know when I get there) So when do we stop seeing older people as people and as "old". It seems that the youth doesn't make friends with the elder because some how they are supposed to play with people their own size (or age...lol) We frown on young women that we see strolling arm and arm with an older man. We assume, usually, only 2 things, either it’s her grandfather, or her sugar daddy and that she's using him for money. BUT, aren't they still people with personality, style, conversation and caring to give. At which age does this schism start? Is it a look that the person has that says, “Stay back! um Old" I think elderly people as well as teens live in a no man's land where touching and tenderness are at a great deficient. How do we connect with each other young and old with out the confusion? I don't know the answer to this question for everyone, but I plan to keep my date with my "new" friend and get to know "him" not just his age.

One more thing....I want to challenge you. When you are on the bus, or out and about, look into the eyes of the elderly and see if they are lonely. See if life and their loved ones have relegated them to the sidelines of life’s experiences. Take the time to connect with them. Listen to their stories and laugh at their jokes (if they are funny). And talk with them just like regular people. Compliment them when they look and smell nice. Notice them. And MOST of ALL remember that one day, you will be an elder.

An open letter 100509

2009-10-29T14:37:00.001-07:00

i now know that healing takes unexpected routes. there are many ways to enter. i entered a sacred healing space on the heels of orgasm. yes orgasm. i noticed that there were times when orgasm came easily and times when it was laborious for me and my partner. this was curious to me as i did not see myself as having inhibitions of this caliber. so i set out to find the answer for myself. i remembered that one of you guys had posted something about daring to experiment with your own life. that there is/was a certain degree of trust in self and in god required to do this. and so i trusted us both. myself. and god. i talked with a friend about this issue of restraint and resistance when it comes to intimacy and climax and shared that i thought there was a real connection between my belief about the person i'm with and my willingness to surrender. i said that because i was not clear about what i wanted in relation to him, it was hard for me to surrender. i continued this conversation with god and i began to notice the dialog fade when it came to the idea of exploring this resistance and that it may take time to figure it all out. however, i did hear a vital piece of information. that focusing on the person was a definite hinderance to trust. when looking at all a person's flaws, ideas, beliefs, potential and possibilities is very easy to loose site of what is behind it all. god. so that was the first shift. i choose to engage from the perspective of loving god and all that god brings to me.

then there was another shift. i allowed myself to surrender.

no actually, i chose to surrender. and as i did so i cried. i listened to god speak to me. and she/he/it told me that the love he had for me was enough to last through my tears, that it was ok to cry. i began to see penetration as an act of god. god trying to get to the heart of me. the center, sacral, sacred seat of my beingness. i recognized with each stroke all the many times i was freightened by gods movements in my life and how i would be tense and resistance because i didn't trust. my legs my torso my hips would tense. i came to accept this as a part of intimacy. but now i see that in my subconcious, i was resisting. it was subtle. not enough for my partner to notice. but i did.

as i continued, i allowed all my thoughts to come up. i resisted nothing. i stopped at times to hear the messages. everything was allowed. i was open. to god. i listened to the god of my womb. i listened to my eggs, who've been with me since i was an embryo. i heard so many stories about my own experience that i did not allow before. some of these are truly sacred stories and intended to be shared with those who choose to enter that space with me. one of these conversations has taken over 30 years to get to the 3rd statement. and yet i am cognizant of the thread as it continues.

the next time you make love. connect to your self and see what stories you have to tell yourself. notice your own sweet surrender. see if you are open or if submission comes because you are conquered by your lover. there are no right or wrong answers. only YOUR answers. find out what your self has been holding for you.

brothers..this may be a little scary for you. since there's a real possibility of the water works taking a while. but try it. let go of the race for completion and pay attention to rather or not she's receiving you. if she is open. note her breathing pattern. there is a difference between breathing for arousal and breathing for tension. take your time and watch for the shift. there is more to come on this. i will share. in light love and peace.

surama amen hetep
"correct knowing is peace"

All Hollows Eve...The real fear! 100109

2009-10-29T14:36:00.002-07:00

This is the season when fear and terror are promoted. We pay money to go and have someone scare us, chase us through the woods, stalk us through a fun house and all sorts of other scary fun stuff. But one of the scariest things I have experienced is the feeling of being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is often seen as a time when you trust someone new to your circle of trust, a time when you reveal something about your self that you usually keep hidden and private. It is sometimes called a "weak moment". When people cheat or do other things that cause them to be "rejected" they usually say things like, "I was feeling vulnerable and he/she was there for me".

It seems that these moments are presented as pivot point in a story. A time when things can go either way. A cross roads if you will. Sorta like where the devil met Daniel Webster. It’s a choosing place. And yes, can also be seen as scary. I have been there before. And I find myself there again. I am in a vulnerable place.

However, I am viewing vulnerability in a way that is new and different for me. First, I chose to be vulnerable. It wasn't forced on me. I could choose to avoid this scenario I am in with no penalty. I can leave the game/experience/opportunity behind and escape unscathed. But then, how would I get to know myself better? So I chose this moment of vulnerability. As the monsters of insecurity, jealousy, mis-trust, self-doubt, confusion, and blame rise up and show their fangs and claws, there are waves of emotion that wash over me. Yet they don't wash me out. I am still me. I am ok. Because, I chose this.

There is great power in choosing something. I have a sense of self-control that forced circumstantial vulnerability does not provide. I know that this will work out because I've already gone to the end and looked at the best case scenario (or worse depend on your perspective) and I come out a winner on all fronts. Now don't get me wrong, choice does not eliminate risk or the drama of the experience. Just like a roller coaster or haunted house. Even though deep down inside you know that you are safe and that you paid for this ride, you can still be startled and shaken up by the sudden changes in direction and speed.

In addition to choice, I have exchanged the leading man (or star of the movie) for God. What I mean is that, I am seeing that I am on this journey with God. In every scene, there are really only two characters. Me. And GOD. Now, I know that sounds typical. But think about it like this. You remember w ventriloquists and their dummies? It’s sorta like that too. I get to talk to myself through other people; I get to see my own thoughts reflected to me. We never see ventriloquists in a legitimate fight (I mean a real fight) with his dummy. After all, it’s just a puppet used to play out a script that is only spoken by one person. All the thoughts in the conversation are his own. So every experience I have is a reflection of my own inner thoughts and dialog. And is therefore accepted as a valid part of me.

I'm sure you are wondering how this plays out with other people. Sometimes it calls for a level of openness and acceptance that others would call foolish or what ever. Maybe that’s true. But it also allows me to trust and love others in a way that I couldn't before. It allows me to know that I chose this ride and that I'm safe no matter the sudden changes.

After all, God loves me already. More than words can say. So I'm throwing my hands up on this roller coaster ride of life and trusting God. I still feel.... I feel my heart rate speed up, I feel my stomach drop, and sometimes I get nauseous...but I don't feel threatened. I know that I am still on track. Just like a roller coaster. I know I will get to my destination, and when I do...I will be smiling and laughing and remembering the best parts of the ride. Anxious to ride again. Hopefully, you will be in the seat next to me the next time too.

Those of you reading this are my friends; we're riding this ride together. Some people ride and cover their eyes, some hold on to the straps, some crouch in the seat, some scream, and some smile, and laugh and throw up their hands. All of these are acceptable responses to the challenges of life..Oops I mean the thrill of a roller coaster. But in the end, we all reach the station again! Back where we started..safe…with our creator.

Abundance Rant 092809

2009-10-29T14:36:00.001-07:00

Today I am acknowledging that in this moment I am not in alignment with my fortune. I am now in light if this understanding making a choice to get into alignment with my fortune. I am choosing right now to open up to the ever flowing ever present river of prosperity. I am joyful because I know that I am in control of this shift. I am excited because I have seen the universe do this so many times before it was so pleasant that I wanted to experience this wonderful thing again. I love how the universe is able to create something where I thought there was nothing. I at ease knowing that I can easily move from a place of perceived lack to a place of accepting abundance. When I am in the wonderful abundance of the universe, I am peaceful in knowing that I can provide. I like that feeling. Providing. Like God always does for me. When I am in the vortex of abundance, I share easily and God likes that I like this. I love giving to others and participating in Gods abundant nature. I like the way others respond when I share and I like the way I feel. I feel more like god cause I am abundant without thought or concern. I know that all things I ask for are instantly provided. I know that I have all that I need. I have more than I need. I have so much that I can give it to others freely and easily. I am enjoying this ride toward my external manifestation. This contrast is so good because it makes the other side so pleasant. and wonderful. I see how god is showing and sharing this with me. People surround me and want to share with me. They are a manifestation of my and God's generous nature. My hands are open to receive. I welcome the change and the shift to the other side of the spectrum of abundance. I am feeling better as I think about how quickly this can happen. I know that there is/are someone/s who is a conduit for this change in me and I trust them. I trusts God to provide me with abundant resources.

Reveal your self. 092209

2009-10-29T14:34:00.002-07:00

I am so excited about where I am in life and in love right now. Its been an interesting journey. And through it all I have met one super stand out person who has changed my life. ME! I have met and am meeting myself. I am seeing me. In all of the people who are in my life right now there is nothing but me. I was thinking about and experiencing this the other day, how I have such wonderful people in my life. My girl friends are there for me, they look out for me. One of my really good friends went to a food bank to get some food, and she got me some. I didn't have to ask, she just thought of me the way she thinks of her self. My best friend was able to get some resources and shared with me her abundance by covering the cost of a wonderful dinner in a beautiful resturant. My other good friend got retro pay and said to me, "I wanna take you some where". I mean, I have people who not only love me but don't mind showing it.

So in all this love lavished on me, I wanted to check myself to say why? Why do they love me? Do I give them what they give me? Do they know how I get overwhelmed and don't know what to say when they tell me I'm beautiful. Cause I'm looking at them like, WoW! I hope and pray that they know whats in my heart and that my giving nurtures their spirit. I reveal myself to them without fear or question. I know that they love me. I trust that they love me. Even if they forget to call me back. Or don't return my earrings or shoes. Or if there is a time when I have to treat cause they "just ain't got it". After all these are my girls. They have my back. I don't hold them to the expectation that we have to see each other everyday or talk everyday to show love. I mean, I have close friends who live all the way in Texas and they know as much about my life as those who live in the city with me. I have friends that I haven't seen in close to 10 years and the love is no less when we see each other and when we talk. We have no fear. My girls have shown me that I do share, I do give, I do compliment, I do encourage I do support them. Cause they are my reflection.

Now since the title of this peace is Reveal your self...I had to wonder what my relationship with my brothers was telling me about me. Do I have this same trust for the masculine principle? Do I love the sharp and direct energy? Have I made room for the yang element? Do I want the Yang element? Do I fear the Yang element? So I began to think about the men in my life and how I respond to their love and care for me. I have beautiful brothers in my life who heal me when I'm sick. Who will pray for me and with me, and even fuss with me until I get better. I have brothers who will just sit on the couch with me and watch tv and nod off cause we're both tired. I have brothers that I can walk up to and say, "Gimmie $20." and they don't question me why. (not like the song...lol) They just do it. I have brothers who will just hug me and hold me and touch me cause I want that. I'm sure some of you/us are thinking...hmp, girl you havin sex with that many guys? And I say NO! But I am making love to and with them.

I have allowed myself to see them as beautiful too. I can see each of them and in that moment he IS the love of my life. When I'm dancing with them, I am dancing with GOD and GOD is a damn good dancer! My heart opens to them and I can see how wonderful they are. I choose over and over to trust them. They are trust worthy! After all, they are revelations of me. They also represent some part of myself just like my sisters do.

Recently, I met someone who I have chosen to enjoy deeply. This scared me since it required that I open to myself in a way that I had not chosen in nearly 10 years. My first response was, "If I can't be in total control, with a virtual time stamped guarantee, then I don't want to play!" OK...What?...Suit yourself. I controlled my way right into a sad and unhappy moment. In my effort to control, and not love, I caused myself unhappiness. I stopped the flow. I was definitely NOT going with THAT flow! What the hell you mean you're not sure! Don't you see all this!...lol. I threw my tantrum and ran home to hide. Never mind that he communicated clearly. (not just the one statement mind you). Never mind that we had fun. Never mind he was/is attentive and loving and compassionate and intelligent and an excellent lover. Never mind that I was getting all the manifestations of what I wanted. NEVER MIND ALL OF THAT! I wanted a guarantee. Hmmmmm? Why?....so I spent some time with God to sort it all out.

This particular brother was showing me that I was afraid of the masculine principle of God. That fast moving, unpredictable, yang element in the universe. I was holding back cause I didn't acknowledge that God already loves me more than words could say and how can I lose by loving God back. After all, this brother is god. Just like me. Now, this ain't no advocacy for being a crazy stalker chic and forcing your self on someone. But it is an advocacy for seeing yourself in a resistant lover or friend. For admitting that all, and I do mean ALL, of your experiences are your own doing. So I admitted that some part of me was resistant to revealing myself. I did not accept the yin that this yang was bringing out. I was afraid that it made me weak to be so receptive and yielding. I had crazy thoughts like, "What if he plays you?" ...hahahahhh. What a question? Like he's an automaton robot and I'm the only one with this special wiring that includes feelings and care for another.

After 3 days, I contacted him and found him to be as warm and kind and fun and affectionate (is that what love is? or the words) as ever. I expressed my desire to be in his company and to experience him and he replied, playfully but truthfully, "you were in self imposed exile, I'm good! When you wanna hang out" I laughed at my willingness to throw away a wonderful "PERSON" because I could not control him. I mean seriously, I would never hold my female companions to such rediculous expectations. It would never even enter my mind. It would be obsurd to say to my female friends, "tell me we're gonna eventually be best friends for ever, or I don't wanna be friends with you." I see now that my fear of the yang element of God, my trust opportunity with myself, was the issue. My interactions with him and with you helped to reveal myself to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. With out you my life has no meaning. You are my contrast. You allow me to know who I am. The indivisible duality. You and Me.

I have allowed myself to receive the wonderful joy that comes from sharing with each of you. Male and Female. I have revealed myself. You have revealed yourself in me. What do you see when you see me? How do you feel when we are together? That is who you are. Rather you enjoy me or chose to outjoy me does not matter. I am your revelation. And you are mine. What a wonderful world we've created. Enjoy!

Leave me a note: Tell me what you see, think, feel when we are together! Reveal your SELF!...careful now! I am your mirror.. :-)

Body Car 081209

2009-10-29T14:34:00.001-07:00

Do you think the lack of body awareness is the root of our deficiencies as humans on this planet? I mean if you think about it... a failure to understand the human vehicle is an extraordinary limitation. Consider this, temperment is effected by health. Like they say, if a child is crying all the time then something is wrong, health wise. Not everybody does this but a lot of my friends know that certain illnesses are the result of certain eating habits. I would add that those poor habit might be the result of something being out of balance. We also know that certain foods are good for males and some are good for females. In other words you can effect the behavior of your self and partner by changing the foods on the menu to reflect the direction you want to go in.

Ok, lets make this more practical. We all agree that you don't give excess amounts of candy and sweets to children. Why? cause it promotes and encourages certain types of behaviors. Why haven't we pursued this like of thought to include adults? If you're restless and lethargic at work...perhaps there is something you can add or take out of your diet to correct this. Maybe Qi Gong will help get he energy moving. When an athelet trains he eats certain food combinations that promote stamina and good cellular function. What do I need to eat to stay excited about this job? What should you feed you partner or what exercises should you do to promote good healthy interactions? I mean what food do we eat and what postures do we hold to encourage brain development. I'm thinking that diet and body awarness is the key to genius. If we understood these bodies better, would that make it easier to accomplish all the other tasks we face? Most of us are riding around in these bodies with no clue as to how they work. So we end up at the doctors like our cars end up at the mechanic. But we pay closer attention to the mechanic than we do to what our bodies tell us about our lifestyle and rather its helping or hurting us.

what type of fuel do we put in the car? everyone know that answer
what type of food do we put in our bodies?.....

No explanation. 081109

2009-10-29T14:33:00.001-07:00

Living an authentic life. What does that mean? Everyday I rise and think of how I can grow and be better and yet sometimes I don't know if some of the things I want to do symbolize growth or deterioration. Despite my best efforts to rise above it I am still confronted with the realities of living in a society that is riddled with lines drawn in the sand and limitations. I am in constant contact with the residue of Eurocentric ideology. The male/yang dominated ideas of womanhood and goodness. These ideas follow me when I pass the kitchen and have no desire to cook, they follow me when I yearn in the night for a lovers touch. I question the sanctity of my body and my choices to share or not share. The arbitrary definitions of words such as mother, wife, lover, friend, partner, sister..... I wish to define these things for myself. Yet I vacilate because I don't want to address the question marks in the eyes of those who have known me till today. I think most of us, at least I do, want to live a life free of shame and guilt. I want to know that the love and affection I feel with and for others is not dependent on my adherence to the status quo. What if I choose to love with reckless abandon. Does that make me less worthy of a life long partnership with someone who can accept me fully. How do I live life for all that its worth, experiencing all that my heart has the capacity to hold, and not suffer the consequences of getting out of line with the communal expectation. Were'nt all trail blazers somewhat ostersized? I mean Einstein, GW Carver, and others were all considered different. People didn't always get it when they shared their process and the way they saw the world.
We honor and celebrate these trailblazers and yet somehow we seek and find comfort in conformity. I do to...to a degree. But now that conformity is starting to chafe. It keeps me up at night, wondering. Wondering if I'm living the safe way or the way I want to live. Why do I make the choices I make? Sometimes I fear the disapproval of those that I say I love,....and then I wonder,...If I love them and apparently I expect that they love me...then where does this fear come from.

I see that I have not fully accepted myself as much as I have accepted other peoples version of me. I was raised to be pious even if its only for show and for the benefit of others. I was taught that to live authneticly was to risk the lose of all that I held dear. At the base of many of my conflicts is how to interact in relationships. How much love is love before it becomes foolishness and un-neccisary risk?

Toward the end of my marriage I had been pushed out of my comfort zone so much that I felt that there were no limits to what I would do for my husband. I expressed to him that it was not necessary for us to separate and divorce in order for him to pursue all that he wanted out of life. I was to afraid to say tho, that I didn't care if he wanted other women. I wasn't sure if this person that I loved would understand what I ment. I didn't think he would get it. I used to tell him that marriage was a partnership with someone who agreed to witness your life unfolding and hold the mirror so you could see it yourself. I wanted to say to him that you can do what ever you like and I will still love you. But I was too unsure of this side of myself. I had been told that what I did to honor our partnership was crazy. That it was too much. That...."girl he's not worth it"...And I think he believed it too. After all we were both pressured and shaped by this societies ideas. So....it came to an end and a new beginning.

The funny thing is we still had to work out our differences. We have children. And have come to a point where we realize that we love each other. Not the cloying, confining, demanding, angry, volitile, emotionally holding hostage, kind of love, but the kind of love that allows us to be who we are without condemnation. And I know this was only a step in my development. Now I say....How far do I go with this love thing. What exactly does it look like for me.

Which again raises a question about sexuality. Now, I don't think I will fully master my own energy until I clarify for myself, how I will deal with this simple fact of my existence. The ownership issue is really a challenge for me. I don't want to love one man cause it is demanded of me. Or even because I want everyone else to believe that I am "good"... a good person, good wife, good lover etc. I want to love one man....or 2...or 3... or however many I want to because I want to. Just cause I choose. But how many brothers can hold this bird in an open palm. Allowing me to fly away and return because home is where all of me is allowed and nurtured. Are there brothas out there who can live the life they have asked their women to live for many many generations.

It is no big deal for a woman to accept her man back, or to actually remain and never leave through long term affairs and even second families. Its common in our community for a woman to know that her man is seeing someone else on the the side and even to know who the woman is and it not cause this otherwise "good man" to lose the things and people that he holds dear. How many of you could live the same life? I'm not defending unhealthy agreements in which people live in misery. I am seeking to find my own definition of love and life, to define for myself what I want and to commit to it in a way that allows the universe to take me seriously.

I consider myself to be a desirable woman both internally and externally and I have options for who and how I date a man. Some of them seem to see in me a quest for freedom and demand upfront that they not be required to share. I was puzzled by these demands until a friend of mine shared that they are reflecting to me my own fence straddling. That once I make a commitment I will no longer attract these types of men. So I reflected on the other options. There are those who are a bit more open to individual pursuit but still demand a level of allegiance fostered by fear and intimmidation and then there are those who are totally open to this way of being but are unable to share it with their own life long partner and so set the stage for drama when it is "found out". And yet there are others who get the total package and I am afraid of what that journey might require. Or I might say that there is excitement. Could this brotha really understand my need for freedom? Could he love me and care for me while keeping his hand open. I certainly hope so.

I am finding that internal compatibility out weights all else. To know that I can look into his face and say I need healing, to say I am unsure, to say help me, to say I will help you, to say we can learn together, to say we can learn apart, to say ...... is more and more my dream come true.

I have thought of having the ideal life. All settled in to a one man show. I have thought of having a typical family where "my man" is in fact ...Mine. But I've been there and done that. And I felt like the prisoner and the warden all at the same time. So I am learning what it means to be free and to allow that to others. Even those who will judge me harshly. To know that its ok for them to withdraw or come closer and to have the confidence to offer my explanations with peace, calm, sincerity and love or to offer no explanation at all.

Just Reality 072909

2009-10-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

How can I write to you of these sensations that I carry in my chest. These thoughts that I have in my mind. This program I have in my spirit. Today I am living a life that contains both the unspoken promise of my spiritual potential and the essence of human falibility. I have always know myself as these two people. Not just because I am a gemini but because there has always be this dialoge with the higher me. There is a part of me that knows my greatest contribution to this world will come through my devotion to a spiritual path. Despite my desire to ignore this reality I know it just like I know to avert my eyes when in the presence of spiritual leaders. I know they will know me when the see me and I want to enjoy this human-ness that I am wearing like a favorite pair of flip flops. Though this human-ness is worn and unpresentable as my best self, I still like it. Wanting to be regular, but not really. Its like when rich people come down to hang out with the "common folks" because they just want to be cool. (But not give up their money..lol) All my life I have acted, lived and spoken in away that is beyond my own natural earthly experience and understanding. My Dad recently reminded me of a time when I was 4 years old and I had a sit down talk with him. I let him know how much I loved him and my mother and how we needed him to come home to help the family. He had been away in the military and things, my by measure, were not as they should be. I asked him to come home and take care of mommy. Apparently my brother and I, he was 7, had discussed this and had come up with a solution for which I was the spokes person. My father, despite his ambition, came home and did all he could to take care of the family. At 11 or 12, I remember being asked by adult church member how to pronounce words in the sunday school lesson. I always had an answer though I don't recall what gave me the confidence to share them, or what caused them to ask me out of all the other. Then there were times when my Grandmother would loan me out to other elders in the family that may have been sick or recovering. She would send me to stay with them for a week or more to be sure they had breakfast or what ever support they needed. Some how this made sense. Either way... I think my path has been interesting.

Now I am being asked to make a sincere, deep and conciencouss decision to follow God with a level of integrity that I have yet to comprehend. I am not certain of what is being asked of me. I am afraid of it. Though I know this is who I am... I like my human-ness. Some where the possibility of taking the long and windy path, and enjoying the scenic route, complete with stops at all the cool spots seemed like a better option. Even though, when I am in the presence of those more disciplined than I've chosen to be, I feel like the smart kid that keeps failing the easy class and all my friends are moving on. What will I do?

The individuals that I have chosen to respect because I admire some aspect of their manifestation, all seem to see the inner me and expect that one to prevail. They speak to me with clarity and hope of who it is they see behind my eyes. They say I am powerful, that I will make a difference, that I should remember who I am. They love and support me with a ferocity that reflects their intense belief in that side of me. Yet, the remaining parts of me are afraid. Why do I think of lonelyness when I think of this life of dedication and commitment to God? Is it because I am only allowed to see my "fellows" once I have accepted my life for what I designed it to be? Did I make agreements with my most avid supporters that they would help me not to forget my greatness? Which paradiagm will I choose to manifest in? and do I have to choose only one? There is no doubt that I've known these people before and each to varying degrees of entanglement. But one thing is for certain, they have been true reminders to me of what is possible. Sometimes I get so mad at that cause I don't want to do more, or study harder, or grow bigger, or more spiritual. I just want to cruise and have an easy life. And we all know that life will allow you to cruise with out direction for a while, but just like a car when you hit a bump, you get off track and can end up in a ditch if you don't make some choices.

So I deliberate about the best way to get back in touch with The Holy Sir. The Goddess with in. At one point in my life when one system I was in was nearing the end of its usefulness, I simply asked God to come and get me. I was so lost. And sure enough, with all the love of the universe God came to my aid and set me on the path of self discovery. I find that I may be approaching that place again. The place where there are no prescriptions for getting to God but a sincere desire and willingness to follow. Since I know that God is listening I will state it plainly.....

Dearest God, though I have surrounded you with uncertainty and even poorly nurtured flesh I still believe in your divine ability to reach into/out of any container and bring light, love and prosperity. I seek guidance and a sense of peace and connection with you that I have come to miss in my human-ness indulgence. Retrieve me in your divine wisdom and lift my illusions that I might see and know the me you and I created. Thanking you for the newness, Surama Amen Hetep.

For all of you who wonder about your destiny, the God you and the life you live, I offer that I am remembering that all of this exist for that purpose. This is the stage on which the play of my life is taking place. I am playing my part as best I can. I am intending to move into and out of my character the way that God is directing me. I am integrating the real me with this character you've come to know. I do not know all the details of what this will be or how it will look from your eyes but I am doing my best. Even when I seem erratic....in that moment that is the best I can do. Imagine me in my best light if you will and soon that will be the truth. Thank you. Even to those who remind me, and make me angry in doing so, of my destiny. Thank you. With out these sign post and opportunities this "play" would not be "fun" or interesting and you know how we all enjoy a good show.... Play yo part folks, and enjoy it.

Super hero clothes fit tight and can be uncomfortable. 072209

2009-10-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

Who does the super hero call when he gets tired? I know batman had alfred. But what about the rest of them. I guess the X men had Xavier to help them with the mental issues. But who helps the hulk and spider man? And what about wonder woman and the green lantern? Who's there when they need to take off those high heeled boots and skin tight shirts and out fits. Who helps SUPERMAN? I mean damn, what happens when a Pimp is down? Who helps him get his wig back together and sun glasses back on? Who looks for the pimp cup that rolled away when he tripped in his heeled boots? I have decided to leave the legion of super heros and join the ranks of civilians. I am putting away my need to save others in order to save myself. I no longer need to be a people saver, besides, the league didn't give me an Alfred and that other guy to make all the fancy gadgets for me, and they didn't make me a billionair's daughter. So I will not be wearing the pumps and cape anymore. When I run, I will wear sneakers and will only do so to stay in good health. No one thinks that Cat woman might need her feet rubbed. After all that walking and running and flipping and chasing bad and good guys, I know those leather boots are too much. Just like when moms worked all day, came home and cooked, helped with homework, put the kids in the tub, counseled a friend, read a bed time story, screwed her husband and still got up in time to make breakfast. There is no cape for this job. There is no glamour for this super hero. Quite often she is disquised by outdated clothes and hair because all her powers are invested in others and remember she doesn't have an alfred. So I will not be wearing my wonder woman cuffs and stiletto boots to fight crime anymore. I will not be using my lasso of truth or giving any high speed chase. I will be using my powers to heal myself and prepare for the next episode. Perhaps, I will trade places with Lois Lane or the girl from spider man and see how that goes for a while.

A friend of mine. 072209

2009-10-29T14:27:00.000-07:00

I was touched by a friend of mine yesterday. A gentle, massaging, healing touch. I had a difficult time with some things that day and was a bit frustrated. I didn't realize how frustrated I was until he touched me. He touched me with tenderness and care and concern for my well being. There were no expectations just space. For me. I realized as he touched me, how alone I had been feeling. How lost and unsure about how I was gonna make the next step I was. I much tension I placed myself under. Many times when I have been touched it was for the other persons gratification and the nurturing energy or the security was missing. This time I could sense all the thoughts that were running under the surface of my happy face. All the fear and worry I had been hiding beneath my peaceful expression. In the safety that was provided I let down my guard and heard God crooning to me to relax and it would all be ok. God was showing me that if I let it there would always be people in my life to love me and hold a sacred space of renewal for me. And I cried because God was so thoughtful and showed her concern for me. I cried because someone was there to nurture me and I had the courage and wisdom to allow it. I was grateful...

A letter to my ancestors. 071409

2009-10-29T14:25:00.000-07:00

Today I am standing at a crossroads place. So much is happening. I strive to live my understanding of the goodness of God and all that it means. From moment to moment my experience changes undulating like the movement of a snake. Changing and then changing back again. I think of the life I want, I think of the role I must play, and I know that I need your help. As you are an extention of me and I am an extention of you we work together. Each of us a part of this wave of energy beginning at source and making its way back to source, yet always moving forward. Sort through the energies surrounding me and bind them all to a pattern of peace, prosperity and light. Guide those beings who mean me no blessings to another place. Protect me in this tender place. Lift my fear and guilt. I call to those enlightened ancestors of my fathers line, and my mothers line. Go out and release my financial prosperity, bring the opportunities needed. Connect me to the people I need to know so that I might make a smooth transition into this new place. Energize me and heal all wounds, remove all doubt, I release it. Massage my energy centers and restore the balance and rotation. Align my energy field to a higher pitch. Surround me in light and love. Whisper to me the directions that my feet should take. Bless my children and my children's children that they will remember and honor the connection to the past and its connection to the future. I am resting on your love for me and my love for you. I remember you. I honor you. I need you. Together we build our future.
Love, Surama

I just wanna be successful. 062509

2009-10-29T14:24:00.000-07:00

There are days when all we want is to feel a sense of satisfaction. Some sense of accomplishment. Rather it be in our jobs, our relationships, family, hobby or education. The place we live in right now doesn't seem to allow for a lot of that thought. There's a constant pressure to do more, have more, get something better, someone wetter, learn more, what ever. The bar just keeps rising. Its sorta like a battle field. The battle waged is so hot and heavy, the we rarely have the time to say job well done.

Most days I operate out of my own sense of integrity and determination to make a contribution to society. For me, my drive toward perfection is relentless and I am coaching myself to allow a sense of satisfaction. So I tell myself, "girl you doing all right". Even thought all the bills aint yet paid up or paid in full, ain't nothing turned off and we still eatin. Sh$3 ... thats more than some can say today. So yeah, it's all right, if i'm still working on that 6 pack, If I ain't paid all the bills yet, I will, and they ain't going of business without my payment, God Don't love me less cause I really do want to do somethings that people don't approve of. I'm realizing that its ok to just connect. Its ok to find a way to get my needs met. To work it out a little at a time.

I keep coming into the office. Even though there's no one checking for me. I keep tryna open up to God and find a way to be successful in this venture. My second Mom told me to remember the lives I touch on a one on one basis. She says I have no idea how much difference I make in them. I say oh yeah? She says yeah, this place wouldn't be the same without you. I laugh cause I'm not as convinced as she is. But I keep coming back. The money of course doesn't reflect the effort it takes to make this thing work. So much so that I'm thinking of taking a second job to make ends meet for a while. This is the shit they don't put in the newspapers. Movies don't show all the brothers and sisters working in African centered schools and public schools who are on the front lines. My checks don't reflect all the pregnancy test I buy, all the rides to the clinic, or advice on getting checked out, or how to avoid getting in a predicament with a boyfriend, it doesn't reflect the conversations I have to encourage them to keep coming to school and that they can make it. My check doesn't show all the things I bring from home to use in this place. I ain't mad at the entertainers out there, all the ballers and business people, but Fuc# it! I want to be successful too . I want my children and my students to know that it pays to be a good person, to care about them. They know that society dumps on teachers and so sometimes they do too. They see parents blame teachers, they see parents curse teachers out and threaten them, they see teachers as push overs. They say things to me like, " if I was you, I wouldn't take that, I wouldn't deal with these kids." or they say, "I would have hit him/her if she said that to me" They see teachers have to explain or convince parents to be more involved or to discipline them at home in a more effective way.

I just wanna be successful.....

I want more than the nobility of this job. And by job I mean teacher, mother, counselor, security,...etc, all of the things I do. I want the money, and all the perks that come with it. I contemplate leaving here. I think of going into another career. Every year I wonder if I will move back south to be closer to my family. I ask myself if I just want to go back into the classroom in the public system and ride the wave to the shore. This year I'm asking the same questions. What do I want?....... and what am I willing to do to get it? I love teaching,... I just don't love the stress that comes with it.

Yall teachers ain't working hard enough! If yall was doing ya job, these children would be learnin sumthin!

2009-10-29T14:23:00.000-07:00

All around the world same song. We must improve education. Our schools are failing. We must put in tighter measures to monitor that teachers are teaching and not just hosting fight clubs in their classrooms. We have to get more qualified teachers into the classrooms. We must be accountable. Teachers must be trained. We must extend the school day!........etc......etc.......etc.

But wait.... (needle scratches the record)

Sitting in my seat as a teacher and school administrator, I get to see a lot of different sides of this thing and I tell you the newpapers aren't doing it justice. While I search through my mind, body and spirit for the right words to express I feel sorta at a lose. Cause when we talk about schools we often over look the thousands of teachers and thousands of schools that are getting it right. We must point our camera lens and micro-phones toward those situations that show the success we want. When schools are connected to communities and communities are connected to families children do their best. When children have a sense of belonging they do their best. When we see their best, they are their best. We are not separate. Schools are suffering because the political decisions and media presentations of them expect them to. Get what I'm saying here. What we focus on we get more of.

Have you noticed that since they started showing more crime on tv we get more crime? If there were a statistician out there who could show us the trend and relationship between the beginning of the television show "cops" and "america's most wanted" and the like and the trend in crime. I would not be surprised. However, I would also like to see the stats on countries that don't show as much violence and crime on tv and what their trends look like. I mean, we focus on drugs, guns and crime so much and create task force after task force only to need another one when our neighbors (Canada) don't have nearly the same levels of crime and violence. Why? I ask ... Why? Is it because we have created so much variety and diversity in what if available to the senses that we've gotten confused with what is freedom and what is just dumb.

Since we started reporting on school failings have we found more schools failing? Yes. Yes we have. How many of you talk about the wonderful teachers. Those that go un-noticed cause they do such a good job. Some parents never even see these amazing men and women cause they run things so well that the students never get put out and therefore the parents never HAVE to come to the school. We don't go to the school PTA meetings when our child is doing well. And some don't go at all. But we must start to pay attention to the successes. This can be difficult because its an unfamiliar way to look at the world and especially education. I try to hold the line and even I get lost in the vortex. When students act out, people want something to be done. I would rather focus on the students that are doing well and ignore those that aren't. We may not even notice these habits of mind. But they are there. How often do we celebrate our children's great days at school? Do we go all out? Or do we get complacent when they say everything was good today for the 55th time in a roe?

I put forth that if we celebrated more. We could celebrate more. And I do mean everyone. Parents, teachers, administrators, children, media, government etc. You name it. Turn our eyes toward the magnificent ones. Or even those who are just average and watch them become magnificent. Where our attention lies there lies our energy. Give energy to the good. When I was little, I would always get good grades. So much so that my family really didn't look at my report card. They assumed that I did well. (Most often I did do well) But this rubbed me the wrong way. When my brother got his report card there was attention a buzz. Dad came to the house and he got a talking to. Private time. With Dad. While I got ignored. He was offered bribes. I asked for the same they said, "We know you'll get it so you don't need it" I was furious. But what could I do. When I got into junior hight I decided that I would not try any more. I didn't care. (on the surface) I had mediocre grades but I didn't fail. Still no attention. I realized that I had to do it for myself. Some where I figured out intrinsic motivation. But... I was still angry. Unrecognized. And angry. That eventually turned into some other behaviors but still, I wanted to be recognized for what I was good at.

For all you parents, aunts, uncles, god mothers and god fathers, grand parents and family friends. Celebrate the kid that you think is on auto pilot. Let them know that the good is "whats up". Support those that need it. Look for what THEY are also good at and you'll see more of it in all areas of their life. Our attention is the key. Attention is the key. Together we can shift our lens to include the wonderful ones who put band-aids on our children while we work our 9-5 jobs, those who watch out for our daughters when they are growing into young women and keep them safe, those beautiful people who hug our children daily and see them awake and vibrant for 8 hours a day 5 days a week. Most children spend more (awake) time with their teachers than they do with parents. Recognize that for the most part, we love them. Believe me it is not a job we do for money or fame. (real teachers know, that anyone who gets into teaching cause they think its an easy check is sorely surprised after year 1...lol)

Say thank you to that teacher who keeps calling you. Let them know they are appreciated. Teachers of today are the shapers of tomorrow.

BDSM! Lets get it cracking! The whip that is! Or is it? 052909

2009-10-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

I was watching NCIS last night and the sub-theme was BDSM. This got me to thinking about Black people and BDSM. I don't know any black people that's into whips cracking on they ass and that type of thing (maybe the whole Sankofa think or Amistad) but I do think that we have a lot of potential to engage this style of eroticism if we felt free enough to pursue it. If you aren't aware of what BDSM is it stands for Bondage: B Discipline:D * Sadism: S *Masochism: M. And each of the four initials represents a separate complex set of rules and engagements. However, some of them often occur in pairs. Many of us, especially women (in my experience) are afraid to try something like this. Understandable since we don't want to be labeled a "Freak". There is also the question of rather taking pleasure in Dominating another person and if that is acceptable. And what about being a submissive. I've experimented with the sub role for about 1hour. I was in public with a friend and we wanted to see how people would react. Secretly I wanted to know how it felt to be totally dependent on someone, since this is not a role I take very often. It was fun!! We both had a blast. It was very brief and I came no where near my limits of tolerance even for regular life but the concept was exhilarating. If you tried it with your significant other it would be exciting to see what they actually want you to do. Try it! Give up ONE HOUR of POWER and see what your man (or woman) will come up with. I mean. Do you trust them? Do you really know their sexual fantasies? How far would you go to see yo baby get off! I mean really! I would definitely suggest talking about it first, reading and exploring it mentally before you implement this thing. Cause you don't want anyone to get hurt. I mean, like what if your girl wants to peg you? You gotta know that LUBE is essential....lol anyway. That is a subject for another time. But where do we draw the line for sexual exploration with our significant other. Do we draw lines? And are they always straight? Are they in the sand or in stone (cause sand changes). It would be great to have total sensual freedom with my partner. Knowing that our decision to be together does not mean the end of the road for my sensual development is exciting. Maybe we could expand on this topic. What do you think? It might be fun.

Sadism: gratification through the infliction of pain on another
Masochism: gratification through the receipt of pain or humiliation

Date-fax report 052809

2009-10-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

Some times I wish we could get a car-fax report on a potential date. Like go online and put in a persons name and get a report from prior date-ees regarding their past behavior. You know, just to determine the amount of investment you want to make in this particular date/car. I mean, men and women alike. Sometimes we just need the 4-1-1! Like who is this I'm talking to. In the past, when we lived in communities where everybody knew your whole family people couldn't get away with some of the behaviors that are common place now. You had to be honest. About what ever. Cause everyone knew anyway.

With my Date-Fax report, you could find out if his behavior is habitual. Like, is he late cause of traffic or is this bama just on CP time. Or, did he really just pay the bills and is running low on cash or is he always broke. Or even, Is he showing off his kids to look good or does he really spend time with them. Or even, can this girl really cook or did she by this stuff. Or maybe even, does this plumbing work and if it doesn't are there other more valuable assets. (men and women) You could even know if they are really good BF or Gf material and are just poor daters. You could find out if this person is really cool but just nervous at first. You could get a maintenance rating for the amount of energy needed to maintain this person. High maintenance or low maintenance. You know all the stuff that takes about 3 dates and $120.00 to figure out. Anyway, just my small fantasy.... unless this is my million dollar idea!!!! Would any of you use this service for $19.99? It would save a lot of date money!!!...lol

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system!

2009-10-29T14:18:00.000-07:00

I have got to learn when to let a bama kick and roll. Stop doing this we are the world shi% that I thought was the right way to go. Naw, Naw, Now its time to just straight cut shit out! I don't mean being all angry and bitter toward everybody. Just recognizing when some folks just aint where you are. And let that be that. I will not be the "cat lady" of human beings. You know, collecting 73 homeless cats just cause they aint got no where to go. I ain't gone just be friends with folks out of some ridiculous need to help them. When "of course" obvious to everyone right now, they don't see nothing wrong. Now you could be sitting on the other side of this post looking smug and laughing at me cause I was tryin to be Ms. Goodie Two Shoes and got a shoe in my ass. But then again, I might know you already and laugh with you cause I know you know what I mean. Sometimes when that emergency broadcast sound comes on from the inside and says "this is not a test! This is an emergency! Flee the scene now! Impending disaster! There was a Ni**a sighting near you and we are not sure of the nature of the threat! Please leave to avoid mental, spiritual and bodily harm!" again I say: This is not a test!

( DAMN, DAMN, DAMN JAMES! personal moment of exasperation!)

In the end of it all, I put foot to that bama. But I did it to myself as well. I knew that the feeling I was getting was not in alignment but somehow I hit the f*(&ing override button and rode out anyway! HOW MANY times have I DONE that! Apparently enough to wake my ass up. But have you done it enough to learn to trust your self. Do you change the station when that beeping sound comes on with an emergency broadcast and just keep on watching the regularly scheduled programming on another channel? WE all do it. WE'RE here to learn how to not do it. I am coming to trust myself more and pay attention when I here that sound. Anytime A fool can get me to cussin, I knew it was coming when I seen um. Should have just given the tight smile and said good night. Should have let go of the "good" southern upbringing that said to be polite. I'm taking on some of one of my good friends "Trini-Brooklyn" style of calling an a((hole and A((HOLE! And letting the SH&8 fall where it may. (bow,bow, bow Aminata Gods favorite Daaahta!) So my friends, there is now at least one bama who knows that its really all right if he don't neva, NEVA, EEVAH call me NO MO! I'm taking my toys and going home. Happy! By the way did I say Happy? I ain't mad. Just free. Its really kind of funny. When God cracks one of them good ole now you know you know better jokes on ya! Hehehehe HeHahahaha! Cause I did. And I do. Know. I will acknowledge what I know and stop wastin time with polite lies and convienent half truths that spare someone's feelings.

PSA: This is not an endorsement for rude and tacky behavior! I repeat... This is not an endorsement for rude and/or tacky behavior! Thanks, Management.

But damn, personal honesty goes a long way. And saves gas too! Think of it as being more eco-friendly. We will stop spending time, gas, and money doing things we don't want to do with people we don't want to do it with. Anyway, I want to give a shout out to all yall that read what I write and will prolly give a more detail to the Bama a)) ish I got myself into last night. Later though. Later. Love you guys. Leave your comments.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test. If this were an actual emergency you would have been instructed where to turn for additional information. This is only a test...beeeep, beeeeep, beeeeeeeep! You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

How do you break up without breaking up? 0522090

2009-10-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

I know this sounds like an article about romantic relationships. Even a bro-mance or girlfriend-girlfriend thing. But what I'm really talking about is how do you live outside of religious rules and still get along with the people you love. How do you break up with her (the system) and still be friendly. I mean, You enjoy the conversation, the energy, the relationship in general. You just don't want to be intimate anymore. I want more out of life and I am bravely moving forward to say to the world "I want to be a contribution." I want to help people live a happy life. I know that people are fickle and that they change their minds. They are allowed to just like I am. But I want to teach them some tools so that they can do those changes and always move toward what makes them happiest. As most of us know, any systematic approach to understanding God has some rules and stipulations. Thats the only way to get a group going. You've gotta have some rules. The only problem with that, every one has to agree to someone's idea of what is right. Now don't get me wrong. For society to function there must be somethings we agree on. Not to mention that the laws of the universe prevail over even those things we agree on. But, at some point, I've started to diverge in my thinking. I don't see things the way I used to and it is different to people who've known me for the last 8-9 years. I went through this before. When I moved from church to church until I finally landed in the living room of a wonderful woman Pastor Shirley Chambers who finally revealed to me that there really isn't a devil in the way that we think of it. ( I love you Pastor Chambers!!!) In her own clever way she even preached this at churches. It was beautiful. But my releasing the traditional view of Christianity and making my relationship with God more personal was a mile stone. I am now having that milestone again with non-traditional Traditional African religion. I really love the premise the foundation the education that I received but I the confinement is not what I choose for the next phase of my journey. I don't want it to seem like I don't want to be responsible but I do want to be free. And as I've learned, things have no value but what we assign to them so my freedom out weighs my desire to satisfy others. I choose to help others. I choose to be receptive to God and the most elegant way to do this. I am capable and willing and equipped. The information I need it here for me. I always have what I need. I meet the people that I need to meet. My resources are limitless. I am free. I choose to interact with God in away that all that I need it given to me. Loving God feels good.

Oh, W.T.F.! 051909

2009-10-29T14:16:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to truly be a mindful manifestor and see what I want into being. I've been seeing this relationship. But where is it? WTF. right now I feel like ranting and just getting it out of my system. I'm not sure where my blockage was. I kept meeting beautiful, wonderful men but somehow they were in relationships. And that was apparently in perfect alignment with my frequency but I now want to choose something else. so here is what I choose.

I really enjoy someone who understands my need to talk and really connect intellectually. I enjoy doing activities typical ones and unusual ones. Like hiking or going to dissect jelly fish...lol. I once went on a date with a man and he let me drive his boat down the Potomac river. I enjoyed that greatly. I love to dance and enjoy my friends who can dance very much. Salsa, reggae, hand dance! you name it I would like to do it. I like to cook for people who enjoy eating. I enjoy knowing that who I'm with is happy. I enjoy the intensity of a metaphysical connection. I can sense that he is someone that I've worked with before in other physical existences. I know that we will recognize each other. I am in divine alignment to receive his attentions and to give him mine. I am enjoying the process of moving closer to his physical presence. I am enjoying our connection. I am receiving this connection on a deeper level and welcome its manifestation into my physical reality. I raise and reset my vibrational frequency to match that which I have created in my vibrational escrow. I am accessing it at will and it flows freely and abundantly. I employ the energies of the universe and all the resources of source to flow through my being. I release any resistance I had to companionship. I state again that I am supremely happy and abundant. I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection, I am allowing the connection. I am appreciating the connection. I am appreciated. Source has provided. I am enjoying this relationship. I am enjoying the way he compliments me (In both ways. He notices my best attributes and says so. His best attributes are a support for me.) I am enjoying our spiritual practice and how we work together as a team. I am over joyed at our sensual compatibility and how spiritual our union is. It is such a joy to have physical and financial support for myself and family. I appreciate the way he shows leadership in the household. My children love him and they get along so well. I am so happy that I am receiving this and all the abundance that follows me. This is good. It feels good. It is good. This was the perfect timing.

I have conciously chosen these words to focus my attention upon. I am focused on all that is good and perfect. This is my manifestation. This is my creation. This is my will. Of course there are many things that I am creating now, this is only one of them. But, this is important to me and I have chosen to energize my creation. I have always done what I love, and I have always gotten what I wanted. I always do what I love and get what I want because the whole universe, the world and everyone in it conspires to make me happy and to make my life easy and simple. All things are mine to enjoy as I see fit. I accept/create this reality in joy. In JOY! EnJOY!

I am transformed by the power of my creation.

What we gone do. 051309

2009-10-29T14:15:00.001-07:00

We gone say this prayer,
and shake these bones.

We gone ask God about this
before we move on.

We gone talk
and then we gone write.

We gone visualize each other in the light.

We gone hold hands and savor that experience

damn,.....lost the thread when my office was entered
I guess I need to be more centered.

We gone do this dance together and laugh
We gone build this family and heal this nation

We gone reach for each other in the night
We gone work till be get it right

We gone do these rituals and
We gone wear these beads

We gone grow this food
We gone support each other and be honest

We gone be more than 1 + 1 = 2
We gone know we were ment to be

We gone compliment each other
We gone appreciate what we have and who we are

WE gone be good
and
We gone be GOD

When fear loses residence in the womb. 050409

2009-10-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

I am writing today to give comfort to my womb. The physical one and the spiritual one. I realize in reflection up on my experiences that I had allowed the seeds of fear to be planted in my sacred vessel. In the womb of my body. I know this first because it is mine and it told me so. and secondly because when I am touched with tenderness a flood of tears run from my eyes to wash away yesterday as I focus to stay present in today. I realize that in the past it was easier to F*#k cause it did not touch the space that wants to be loved and the part of me that says stay. In the past it was easier to help others so it prevented me from expecting help for myself. F*$ing is easier do it yourself was the norm. Loving and trusting others was scary. I am now choosing to walk and live in love and tenderness and must therefore reassess my responses to tenderness. I am moving through emotions that arise when I am touched either physically or by some kindness. I named the sensation anxiety before. Now I name it excitement for whats on the other side of this moment. I had asked myself, why do I cry after great sex. My womb,... my vagina answered. "Because you were never taught how to receive and accept love." When you wanted your father to teach you how a man loves a woman, he was not able. When you wanted your lover to teach you, his father was not there to teach him. When you wanted your husband to teach you....Now you must allow the universe to teach you. Allowing the father within to love me and nurture me and support me and protect me is a wonderful, scary, exciting experience. I am wondering if this is part of the process of receiving my partner. How can I receive someone so wonderful if secretly I am afraid of it? I am willing to trust and grow in this.

I want to share this process as clearly as I can. But it is a challenge. Its deeply personal. But I know that there are lots of other people who are also having a similar deeply personal experience. So here goes......

When moved to deep orgasm with my lover I find a break in my emotional armor. I sense a quaking in my reality. A shift in my paradimgn. I know that it it possible to receive love. This runs counter to the old program that states that love is scary. So while lying there while my lover coaxes me to release, gently supports my pleasure, and lovingly wills me to relax and be at peace, I cry a river of tears. I cry for all the times that I just F*#ked. For all the times I thought some man (ultimately the masculine principle of God) had abandoned me. For all the times I told myself that they don't really care if I'm comfortable. For all the times I told myself that I was unworthy of love. I thought I was unworthy because I believed my father was supposed to make my life a dream. I had given the power of my life over to others. I cry because it feels good, and because I am alive. I cry because there are so many wonderful men in my life. I cry because even as I cry he holds me and listens to my sniffles and waits patiently. I cry because I have chosen this moment of tenderness and it says to me that I am growing in receptivity. I cry because it is filled with possibility. I am open to this wonderful journey.

I am learning the sacred ness of my femininity. I am learning to love all of me. I am allowing the power of my womanhood. I am allowing love and success. I am allowing companionship and a loving partner. I am allowing all thats good and perfect.

random.,..041709

2009-10-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

In the creative process now. My energy is everywhere. Chasing its tail. Howling at the moon.
Staying focused though my physical body is ranting about other things. My will is the fulcrum and all experience balances atop of it. I transmute this energy into something else. Into my financial freedom, into supportive mate, into life vibrant. These are the moments that future is made of. When mind benders practice the craft. Then time travelers perform their tasks. Only in these pregnant moments full of possibility are we able to truly demonstrate mastery over the self. I am aware of the physical sensation behind my eyes that says there should be tears. I hold it but not hold on to it. I can sense the fear in my shoulders but do not hold on to it. These things are like waves they break over me yet do not wash me out to sea. I am facing my self. I am powerful enough that I can see through this illusion. I know that the sensation of anxiety is the same as that for excitement. The names have been changed to reflect the judgment I place on the circumstances. But now that I think about it. All the things that I judged were handled quite easily. The truth is that I have all the money I need, I am healthy, I am physically in good shape, I have lots of friends and family who love me there really is no need to feel gloomy. Somewhere in my psyche, there is this program that says, after a lot of really good things there has to be bad and its just not true. I don't need to punish myself for getting a car, a house, and a great body. I embrace those things and my ability to get everything that I want out of life. All of it! Every single thing I want! I can have. With that said, I would offer that it is true for everyone. Its just a matter of commitment to that idea. When life says, "are you sure?" do you say no or do you say of course? Cause when life gets good, the universe follows your direction. Your deepest thoughts come to the surface. I believe it can just keep on getting better, and better, and better. There is always better, ask Oprah, and Donald, and the hundreds of others who have learned to ride the waves of prosperity. I am joining that billion dollar surf club. The great thing about it is I don't have to have all the answers right now either. I am declaring my will. The universe will do everything within its power to see that it gets done. In the mean time, I am practicing my new life style of wealth and generosity. I am living life like its golden or stolen or what ever image I conjour up (www.conjourwoman.blogspot.com) and I love it. So when you feel that sense of tension, decided what you want to create and focus that energy in that direction. Use your words to guide the energy, talk about the great present you have. Use a song or a dance you love to get you transforming and transmuting the energy. Find a picture you like and look at it and enjoy that thing in your mind. You are in charge of your energy, not the other way around. Don't be a victim of your body's nutritional deficit. Know that you are wonderful and power full and capable and that all you need do is choose.

bitty, bitty, sub-committee. 041009

2009-10-29T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today I scheduled the process for my surgical procedure. I will be having a mammary reduction. It will require some dependence on my beloved friends/Family. I am excited. I am nervous. I am scared. I am hype. I am proud. A longer list of emotions, constantly in flux exist inside my head. But life is about change and all that comes with it. Letting go of what had been before is part of moving forward. Its kinda like the monkey bars at the play ground. You cant keep every rung you touch or you'll never move forward. You kinda gotta be willing to hang out there by one arm in order to move to the next step. And you never know. The moment you let go of one rung, it might be too much for one are to handle, but, then what's the fun without the risk? The surgery will be June 12. ( Dad I hope you are reading! ;-) I should be at the hospital by 6:00 am. I know that my friends are the best friends in the whole world. (those visible and invisible) So I can't wait to see all yall at the big reveal...nah, just kidding. But I do look forward to the support.

Pole Dancing, AGAIN.....Awwwww Maaaan! (040909)

2009-10-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

So I saw this video today of a woman pole dancing and it blew my mind. Yes sisters, I watched the whole freaking video too!! It was amazing! I have heard of pole dancing, (of course of course) but had never really seen it done by a professional. I can understand why a guy would through 20 at a woman performing such amazing feats as the ones I saw on this particular video.I was inspired to look for more just to have a point of reference. What I found was beautiful... phenomenal! I saw black, white, asian, thick and thin women on the pole working it out. No matter the level of accomplishment, I could tell it still required work, and I don't mean a little bit, to get these routines and to master having a different center of gravity! There is actually physics involved in this thing! Anyway, I started thinking about how sometimes (at least for me) when we pursue a spiritual path, the super sexy part of our selves gets put to the side or neglected. Some people get so spiritual that they forget that their partners need stimulation. (not just physical but the intrigue the daring the excitement... of you... male and female) I was always taught that getting up on that pole was wrong and that somehow that made me a bad girl! And bad girls never had good men. But as I'm older, I realize that sometimes a good amount of Bad Girl is called for and necessary! Just like we don't always want our man to come with the same Ta Dah!!! package, we want it mixed up a little, they want some spice too. ( some extra tall heels, a really short skirt, costume, or what have you... cuffs, paddles whips,... oh, sorry,... did I put that in???? ) I don't think brothers are as critical of that little extra pound on the side as we think they are. After all they already like you and they've already seen it. So, that is not gonna be the first thing on their minds...:-) I remember this one time,.. when I was married... I decide I would dance for my husband. I did some belly dance that lead to some strip teasing and then some.... well you can imagine. What I found is that I was my own worst critic. I was so afraid of being judged that to do this was a major boost of confidence for me. I felt beautiful. Not trashy like some people believe. I felt sexy, not stupid. I felt powerful and wanted and feminine. After all who can shake a hip better than a sister? Who makes the phatty wiggle better than a pretty round brown? Watching those videos of women really allowing the athlete in them along with the sexy feminine part to merge I was inspired to take a class!!!

At this point you might be saying "I know yo man gone like that...unm" but ... nope. I don't yet have one. I'm taking the class cause its part of my liberation process (party). For me, this is a side of myself that can be sensual without being sexual. Taking this class will be in the presence of women. An opportunity to affirm each other. To appraise each others bodies and support each other in loving the skin we're in. To challenge ourselves physically and to extend our level of fitness. To be Beautiful while working out! Wow, How Het-Heru, Oshun is that!!! huh? Huh! Come on people. God is the full spectrum and enjoys a good pole dance as much as any one. The one doing it and the one watching. After all, What man would get tired of his wife and say....

Pole dancing..... AGAIN!!!! Awwwww Maaaan! I was hoping for some plain, dry, missionary style activities tonight.. lol.

I know I'm exaggerating, but you get my point. So say it with me ladies:

Poles are our friends. go on... don't be afraid... it won't hurt you... Sure you can touch it. :-P

I'm a Teacher, a Counselor, a Principle and... a mom

2009-10-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

So I'm sitting here listening to Anthony Hamilton crooning his love for his mother and remembering my mama, too. She was actually my grandmother.

I am contemplating the various things I have to do as a mom. Most moms understand this and those who don't, learn eventually.

I mentioned before that being a mom is like a priest hood initiation and it is. The discipline and sacrifice you learn goes to new heights and depths of personal growth and development. As a mom, I have learned to let emotions come and go. Really, cause I don't have time to fall apart. Got things that are more important. Like cooking, and cleaning, and reading stories, and taking people to school. All meltdowns are scheduled for 9:30 or later. Once the children are down.

I have learned that sometimes you have to let go. Our children are human beings, although they are young, they are humans and have their own paths to travel. They are not our little lumps of clay. We choose to protect them from everything that we can but it isn't always possible. I have had to work through some very real moments with my daughter. Some of which, I will share in the future but I don't want to do so with out at least speaking with her. I have done my best to love and guide her without dominating her into being someone she is not. (she might think differently though) We all have lessons that we have to purchase with our own blood, sweat and tears.

I have learned that being a mom requires sacrifice that sometimes is not clear for others but must be clear for you. When my mother and father divorced, my father took custody of my brother and I. Somewhere I believed that this was not the way it should be. I wondered that my mother could "let us go" like that. (as if my father was not an equal partner) But now that I'm older I think about how she struggled with schizophrenia and what she was trying to do in letting go of us. It took lots of courage to do what was best for us. I am facing a similar challenge with being away from my children. I had a plan to accomplish somethings over this year that we were a part that would require a great deal of time and energy. Not everything went according to plan but I'm doing ok. Yet, explaining the separation from them is awkward. It seems that its a little more difficult for a woman to explain why she doesn't have her children with her than for a man. (come to think of it, I've never even asked a brother why he doesn't have his children with him????) I let my children be with their grandmother so that I could go to grad school and get a house.

I have learned that Moms need time too! Since many of us are in transition in relation to partnerships, we must remember to take care of our selves. If we refuse to acknowledge our need for self care, personal time, entertainment, and enrichment then how else will others do these things for us? We teach our sons and daughters by our example. We must show balance. Some would have you make your children your world, but this is a heavy burden for children. (if you are doing this successfully then no problem) But, we are still people even after we are parents.

I have learned that help is ok. It is ok to ask for help, accept help, give help and enjoy it when you have it. No matter what you need help with, ask! If you have children, then you know about the loads, and loads, and loads of laundry, let someone help you! If you are working a full time job and you're tired, order take out and give your self a break. Join a mommy or daddy co-op and share your children with others who also need to share responsibilities.

I have learned that more than the mistakes you make, or what you do for a living, or how you dress or what your sexual orientation, or economic status, or any of those things, children will ultimately remember your intention. They will come to a better understanding. And as you grow as a mom, and a human they will grow.

As a mom, I would ask that you be gentle with yourselves, and be gentle with your children. Be forgiving of yourself and of your children. (and your co-parents). Love yourselves as you love your children.

Probably more on this soon. This article will be re-worked but I'm open to feed back.

Hi Chi.. (032709)

2009-10-29T14:04:00.000-07:00

Despite the title of this article, I have not been studying the Chinese language. Thought, I have no opposition to that, that is not really what this is about. This article is intended to shed some light on the concept of Hi Chi. Now, I have a girlfriend who is a Hi Chi master and I expect that she will get to writing any day now and publish that damn book so the rest of us can catch up. But this brief note is my 2 cents in a thousand dollar concept. Hi Chi is in reference to the Chi factor associated with sexuality and its ability to generate change on the field of relationships. Some of us squander our Hi Chi because we don't understand the appropriate dispensation of it or because we fear it. A lack of training and honest dialog leaves many woman at a lost when it comes to wielding the power of the chi. I know some of you have seen a woman with a brother and wondered what the f*&k she did to get him. "Cause she ain't fly" you might say. But the truth is she has mastered the Hi Chi. The hot factor associated with femaleness and femininity.
In real time, most women have a certain Hi IQ. The Hi IQ is related to the level of self mastery she is able to exert over her self. Contrary to popular opinion, women do enjoy sex! We crave it! When its good we are often interested in continuing to participate for long, long period of time. However, many desire a certain amount of consistency and stability in order to truly enjoy all activities. To create this scenario requires discipline. Self discipline. Not control over ya man, but ova ya self!
Often times, we want a certain experience with brothas but we don't put in the appropriate study time to understand them or our selves. Then when we learn the way to create reality, we don't use it because we disagree with the way things work. So we keep doing what we do, and getting what we get. And we don't move forward. We lack the peace associated with self-mastery and allow ourselves to be moved off our center.

Ok, ok, ok, enough of that philosophical talk. Let me get to the point. Though I have no opposition to women and men finding sexual satisfaction, the energy released during the sexual act is the same energy used in the creation process. The very same energy that God (with a big G) used to create the universe and all that is in it. So, when people crave that interaction, I say, Yeah! Its natural and healthy to crave it. When there is not desire for it, that usually means that something is out of whack. (thus the creation of ED medications). BUT, energy flow follows rules. Like it or not.

Imagine creating a model plan. Does it require the same amount of materials and/or energy as creating a Boeing 747? Nope. It doesn't. So when creating, be mindful of how you use your energy. Lately, I have been saving my Chi force. Not engaging physically. I have had to exercise discipline. (refer to article on Fame) Though the craving is there. I am creating something bigger now than just a temporary feeling. I am using this energy to create a house, furniture, and new friends. I have found that more men are interested in me when I harness my chi. Or maybe I feel more confident. Confident enough to say no to what I do not want. Confident and disciplined enough to wait. I am at peace with going out by my self or with my girl friends or even guy friends. I am also working out. Using the same chi force to create the body that I always want and choose for myself.

You know, its just like when athletes train. Real athletes know that you should not have sex before the big game or the big fight. They know that somehow it effects your performance. This is no secret. (usually the sex takes place after the game...:-) Anyway, this same thing can be applied to other areas of life. You've heard it all before don't be afraid to try it. Be sure to spend time enriching your own life. Give yourself the things you desire from others and give to others what you desire. This will free up your energy. I realized that when every I stop having sex, there are so many more opportunities for me. (not just for sex, though that is included, but also for other things that I love). More men want to date me and other goals become reality.

Ladies, (and gents) Just stop sex for 3 months and see what you can do with that energy. Not as an imposition on your self but as a personal choice. Just see what can come of it. I have some things that are coming through. I will let you know once I have completed the process. But anyway, I am really feeling this process and myself. I know the discipline will pay off.

Get physical! physical! Come on and get physical! Let me hear your body talk! (031709)

2009-10-29T14:03:00.000-07:00

Maybe you are following my progress at the track, maybe not. But the update is this. Last week I went 4 days. On Friday I was suppose to go but I let a little drizzle stop me! Why cause the old conversations were present that give me a reason to not to. and I chose to stay home. Actually I should be working out right now and I am using writing as a distraction from what I really want. Sometimes I give my self a good reason but it still don't burn the calories so I'm gonna get of this damn compute, go home and change and get physical.

You want fame? Well fame Cost and right here is where you start paying!... (031609)

2009-10-29T13:59:00.000-07:00

You want FAME? Well fame Cost! And right here is where you start paying!....

Nern,nern,nern,…nern,nern, ….nern, …nern, …nern,nern…! (theme music)

Transitions are often the most challenge filled moments in our lives. They are rought with anxiety, fear, guilt and pain. (or if you want to call it, anticipation, excitement, abundance and pleasure, it’s a matter of labeling) These are the times when we give birth to some of our most profound understandings and establish the depth of our commitment to our own future and creation process.

Tonight, I sat with my phone. Oh, don’t act like you don’t know what I mean. I sat with my phone in my hand like an officer in the dark who’s seen too much crime. Each turn of that roller ball was like the spin of the tumbler in a revolver. The moment I’m referring to is when you sit with boredom weighing heavy on your shoulders and a desire for some entertainment. Your scroll down the list of numbers and names and review the various qualities and expectations you have for each name….you say, nah can’t call him (substitute her where needed) he still made at me,…. Not him….. he’s gonna want sex,…. Not him…. He aint never got no money…. Un un not him either cause I’M gonna want sex,…. Hell naw, …. He still got a girl friend! And then theres “That Ni@#a!” Where there is no explaination needed as to why you should NOT call him. But you want to.

You’re in transition and the time in between lives is unfamiliar and you want familiar. So the dichotomy sends two representatives for each point of view. The angel on the left and the devil on the right!... And you talk to your self. You go through all the good stuff “That Ni#4a!” brings to the table. Now don’t get me wrong, you could go through this process for numerous candidates. Some proceed a lot faster than others. But there is the one that you keep going back to tryna convince the angel on the left that its really ok. You can handle it. You aren’t gonna loose focus, your panties, or our mind. You are on the brink! [remember, some of this conflict is the result of a lack of insight into how to create reality and the level of mastery in relation to the opposite sex] The future is a glimmer in your spirit,… he is a flame from your past. What do you do? What do you do? You pick up your laptop and write! Goddamn it! No, just kidding,.. but seriously folks… The old and the new can not occupy the same space. If you (since I) have decided that you want a certain experience, commit to it. DON’T LOOK BACK or you will turn to a pillar of salt (Sodame and Gommorah), or stone (medusa) or ash (nuclear blast)! What ever you choose to motivate yourself. But know that what you really want is there for you. Ok, Ok, Ok, you might be saying. You’ve heard it from all your friends and maybe some strangers.

Let,s consider this…..

The last time you “called before you came, you didn’t just stop over out the bluuuue uuuueeUU! “ it was not what you expected or wanted. It was shallow and stale. You did not feel fabulous or beautiful. You did not feel like there was a future there for you and that’s why, that’s why you stopped calling in the first place. Now, your understanding of creation might be that you can make it into anything you want and you can. The question is do you do it by ringing the phone at 2am or do you do it by working with your internal energy and allowing your synchronicity with the universe to bring to you all that you desire.

Keep moving forward.

Some of yall don’t ever, ever, ever have to delete people from your phone. I don’t mean, cause that person is evil and you mad. But just like alcoholics remove the liquor from the house and dieters remove the snack cakes you dump the number to help yourself practice self control. Don’t stop with the number, I know about retrieving the number from old text messages too. …lol. Oh, yeah, I know all about that, alternative methods of contact. Clear it out! All of it. Make space for the flow of love to enter. Some of them will pout and be angry that you don’t call but be unwilling to exhibit the qualities that you require to establish a healthy relationship. That’s ok. You can still see them and be engaging but not to the detriment of YOUR dream. Just like Debbie Allen said you want transformation well transformation cost. You must let go of the pain, let go of the thing that is in honor of what you are creating in the now.

I am clearly in transition and I am excited about the flow of love in my life, the flow of money in my life, the flow if information in my life, the flow of health in my life and all the things I want. After all I do what I love and I get what I want. (and you can too!)

“Get in tune with your star f*&%ing Player! How is YOU doing today?”

And get you some friends who will block the bullsh#4t off ya ass. (also advice from Katt Williams)

You can do it.

If you are reading this article then thank you cause you have helped me to maintain my commitment to my creation. If It were not for you I would have dialed that number, made that drive and done that deed that would have taken me in the opposite direction of what I choose for my life. But no, nope uhn un I didn’t I thought of all the other friends I have who have sat with that phone and made it through (or didn’t) and I was encouraged to share. Thank you for being there. But if you made the call any way and it was great… then I wasn’t talking to you anyway…lol.

I love YOU. Quite simply, i love YOU!

remember, remember,remember......dogoo do dogoo do dogoo do crash FAME!

The Biggest loser!

2009-10-29T13:58:00.000-07:00

Losing weight is a battle fought in the head. Not at the table or in the gym. Not even in the grocery store. The biggest obstacle comes from the internal dialog that I engage in when I am doing all those things. There are literally days when I feel thinner, healthier and more beautiful and then everyone else sees this. It even makes my clothes fit differently! On these days I like the colors or what ever I'm wearing and tell my self good things. On the days that this is not the case I tell my self things about my self/body that I don't have to. Like, "this shirt makes me look lumpy" or "these pants make my stomach look bigger" and I could go on and on. But the fact of the matter is, I am not alone nor is this limited to sisters who self sabbotage by thinking or speaking negatively about ourselves.

I have stood in the mirror and given myself the figurative beat down. I have evaluated or analyzed everything from my hair down to my toe nails. Some of the reasons for this attitude and behavior is that I grew up in a place that considered it an insult to say to someone, "You think you cute don't ya?" It would be said with the nastiest voice inflection possible. We little nappy headed dark skinned black girls were taught to keep a low profile and to not get to ahead of ourselves. Especially in my Mothers family. It was not uncommon to have any directive punctuated with the added "wit yo black ass". You know, like, "git some where and sit down wit yo black ass!" Or like , "take yo black ass outside". As if being black was something criminal. I remember going to my paternal grandmother and crying and telling her how they call me black and how it hurt my feelings. She armed me with a James Brown Shout! "Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud." That was the only defense I had in my 5year old arsenal. Each time my aunts would call me black, I would respond, "say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud". Don't think that the differentiation stopped there, oh, know. It went all the way to Ravioli!.....lol. My lighter skinned cousins even ate better that I did. They were allowed to eat whole cans of Chef Boyardee ravioli, spagetti and spagetti-o's! I know shock and awe, shock and awe! But this was unheard of to me and appeared to be the height of decadence in my young eyes. (I must admit, there may have been circumstances that were beyond my perception but there sure seemed to be a great divide between my light skinned cousins and my brother and I.) Now, don't get me wrong, now that I look back, I am not angry for the differentiation. It taught me to be resourceful. I learned to achieve and connect with others outside that portion of my family and to be fair in my dealings with others. Especially children! Besides, those cousins didn't truly benefit from the false lessons they were taught anyway. Anywho, My grandmother was apparently the founder of the empowerment movement within me...lol. I love and miss you Mom!

As I've gotten older, a lot of the more obvious self hate I was taught has drifted away as I've changed my base of information and patterns of thought. However, there are those last vestiges of programming. Alas! I will prevail!...lol. Anyway, you all know what I mean. When overcoming an upbringing steeped in self hate, the ugliness is so ingrained that sometimes you don't even recognize it or may not be able to tell the truth from fiction. I know now that my thoughts shape my reality and sometimes take the opportunity to play with this concept. On the days that I feel the most beautiful and give my self compliments and love. Others do the same. I am generally more out going and charismatic on these days. There is more creativity and joy overall. Not to mention, guys that walk past me regularly, notice me and want to engage in conversation. Because at this time, I feel satisfied and accepting of my self they also feel this when in my company. (or something similar to it...lol) And on the days when I don't feel this way well,...you know what happens.

But, like Katt Williams said, (and yes I am quoting a profanity spewing comedian) "I've got to get in tune with my star F#@kin player and say "ni$$a how is you doing to day" And answer my self with the most beautiful "truth" I can come up with today....

"Girl you looking good, did you drop some inches off yo waist, did you get a facial yo skin looks georgeous!"

"Damn, You fine, are you wearing a size 14 or a 12 now."

" You got abs of steel now or something you gettin it in!"

Come up with your own "truth" and make it real. After all, if you are the one doing the commentary about your self, let it be all good! Cause just like me you can have whatever you like! The universe has no preference or aversion to any reality you/I want to create.

I love you and thank you for your contribution to my growth.

Surama Amen Hetep
I do what I love and I get what I want! (you can too!)

I don't think I'm ready for this belly...(021009)

2009-10-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

Time is out for the bulls@#%! I have had it with the post baby, baby fat! Its been 4 years and its over! How long are you (am I) gonna keep excusing this muffing top! Time to move your (my) ass and shake a load off! I know you want to go take a nap! I know you want something to eat! Well guess what!? You aint getting it! You (I am) are going to the track and move something! At least 30 min a day! Get it together! How long will you settle for having a "beautiful" face and not feeling super excited about your (my) body! Hey, I ain't talking about going down to E.T. phone home size! I mean shape it up, you know respect the ratio! Most of us know that there is a ratio of hip to waist that makes the whole package come together. Get some goals and get up and make it happen! Change begins with you (me). Love your body, but if you ain't totally happy with it, then change your body! I'm ready for transition.

Ok, So I have been wanting to lose 25lbs for a while now. But made excuses. I have wanted to get rid of this belly but made (in the past) excuses. Today! there are no excuses. I will do it. I choose it.

I want to run a marathon. By this time next year I will be ready.

To all my friend.... I am requesting your kind love and support. If you are working out, or doing something active, let me know. I want to go.

Check in with me and see if I'm holding to it!

If I'm not, find out why and then tell me to quit lying to my self or making excuses. I'm asking you to love me! In a different way maybe than you've done before. Support me in being the best me I can imagine.

I love you. Thanks so much for loving me.

Surama Amen Hetep
Makeisha Denise Phillips

All praise the Booty!!!

2009-03-04T13:30:00.001-08:00

All my life I've had one. Even before I knew what is was. I had a phatty. When I was like 12, dirty old men would look at me on my way to Sunday school and say, "she got a shape just like her Momma" when I would walk by. It was weird. I remember when the boys in my elementary classes would touch my butt and run. Or they would run by and smack me on the ass. Thereby initiating a game of chase. (Which in fact was what they wanted) At this time, I did not understand the power of the booty. I didn't know the allure it held for those enamored with it.
I often felt uncomfortable when I bought jeans that fit my bottom but not my waist. Yall know what I mean, You have to wear a belt or everyone would see your underwear cause your pants stuck out at the waist!....lol. Anyway, I learned to live with it. At some points I wished I could lose weight, so I could shop at the skinny stores. Also, cause it seemed that everything I saw in media indicated that a tiny booty makes you a cutie! So I had to grow into this phatty. You know what I mean. I learned to love the booty. To cherish it. I learned to give it space and to adorn it. ...lol. There are some very beautiful and loving brothers out there who helped to teach me these lessons and skills. Yall know who you are. Once I turned my eyes from the media and connected with what would happen in my neighbor hood, I recalled my childhood days when I would get a drive by smack on the ass by a mischievious 8 year old, who really didn't understand his obsession with my phatty. I would see brothers on the block just stand there and smile at the booty as it walked by. They'd whispher softly, "how u doin?" I don't think they were talking to me. And then there is the classic beep and wave. Even if a brother is on his way somewhere or totally unavailable for anything particular, he will acknowledge the booty on a warm spring day by a beep of his car horn and a wave. Just saying hello. Of course there are the others more exuberant greetings of "daaamn, yo ass is phat" These are a little less welcomed but are still a part of the category, "Phatty worship"
Now, don't get me wrong, I know everybody aint into "maximum gluttious maximus" or "gluttony gluttious", but those who are, I appreciate you. You have helped a sister learn to love the gluttious. When most of the world talks bad about the booty, you are there to hold the booty and love the booty. Where would I be with out you.
After a while, I learned to work in harmony with the gluttious maximus. I took some belly dance classes that taught me to loosen the Po Po. Let the cheeks be free and relaxed when you shake it so that you get the proper reverberation when you dance. I was encouraged to make waves. The more the better. WOW!!! what a difference! I danced! I got comfortable with winding my waist and isolating the movement of the bottom half. I learned to undulate and rotate, swivel and switch, shake, wiggle and jiggle! What a BLAST I had once I got in touch with what it means to have a Phatty! All the time, the truly devoted "phatty worshipers" would praise and cheer me on. Thanks guys, you're the best!
Eventually, I was given opportunity to make this relationship public. Now, granted, I ain't no tiny sister with a little blister for a butt. No sir, I am the full figured, thick thighed sister that most people wish would just stay silent or at least sit still. So when the time came to show off the phatty, my heart raced and adrenaline was pumpin. I was nervous! How would others see this part of me? Will they be comfortable? Will they laugh at me or ridicule me? I'm not sure. But then this particular day was my birthday and I was at an African street festival. My girlfriend put me on blast during a dance exhibition and I was pulled up on stage. So,...... I closed my eyes, .... got connected,..... and let the booty do its thing. Oh, My, GOD! I was scared to death. But, she knew what to do. She mesmerized everyone with her sweet disposition and relaxed manner. She moved with grace and style. She left many brothers with a smile. I was hearing about it for days from people who weren't even there.
There are also populations of people who have a high volume of "phatty worshipers". Many from the continental African community love and adore her. There are also those who are raised in traditional African lifestyles who also love her. It is vital to the development of young African females that they see their voluptuous mothers and grandmothers treated as beautiful and sexy women. And see these same women carry themselves as beautiful and sexy. We must teach our daughters what it means to "Make That Lappa Pop!". It means to work with what you got! Love yo African body, all of it. Enjoy how the music feels in your hips and thighs. There is room for all of us in this spectrum of beauty. Participate and make yo lappa pop!
Since then, I have gotten more comfortable with my relationship to my "phatty". And its so good to be in the presence of brothers and sisters who can appreciate and respect it. To all those singing the praise songs of Phatty worship, rather it be public or private, Thank you. Keep singing, make that lappa pop, make that lappa pop, make that lappa pop!

Much love to Fara Fina Kan for the get down on Saturday and for dropping the love joint for the phat phatty, applebottom sisters of all shapes and sizes.

Go F@$# youself!!

2009-01-29T14:30:00.002-08:00

I was reading a post by one of my friends that talked about female ejaculation and I wondered about that. I mean, not female orgasm. I know about that. I talking about the full on squirt. Now, don't get all grossed out on me. We have been familiar if not comfortable with this concept as it relates to males for a very long time! But, we as women don't talk about it and most don't even know about it. Therefore, I was wondering about it. Wondering often leads to googleing for me and probably for you too. If you're reading this, you'll probably end up googleing it. Anyway, I tried looking for "valid" information and realized that there wasn't very much information at all about it. Most of it was very inconclusive or sketchy. In my mind I'm thinking "WHY" Why is there little to no information about this. Why aren't women screaming at the top of their lungs to get this stuff investigated, research funded or what ever it takes to verify the possibility of this event. I assume again that this female ejaculation which is brought on by the stimulation of the G-spot is actually pleasurable and something to be sought after. I repeat, this is an assumption, based on the idea that ejaculation for men is pleasant. Well, when I asked myself why I realized that many women are still (for the most part) in the dark ages when it comes to sexuality and sexual practice. I feel that I have to define sexuality and sexual practice as different from the frantic race toward orgasm. I’m calling sexual practice the practical decision to “practice” sex with the intention of being fully present, to give and receive healing and pleasure, with the gradual effect of improving the techniques associated with the act.

Note: It may be very likely that most people not just women are out of practice sexually. But I don’t know that for sure as I have not asked them all. But I have my suspicions ;-)

So back to the G-spot…

So as I’m reading the one or two medical articles associated with female ejaculation, I hear a lot about the G-spot. Now, I’ve heard of this little thing and have actually experienced it as well. The only thing is, usually when a man is stimulating it, it is not intentional or consistent for any period of time that would take me beyond the momentary increase in pleasure. He envariably changes position or gets distracted by his own urge to satisfy. Of course by this time in the reading my mind is turning to how can I learn my own body better so I can participate in keeping my G-spot in the game. Which brings me to THE ADULT NOVELTY STORE OR,,OR,,,ORE!!!! (echo)

I’ve been to adult novelty stores in the past some times with friends and it is amazing to see the changes that some of us go through. The first time, I didn’t really know what I wanted, needed, or was willing to even try. I was nervous that the person behind the counter would think I was dirty and nasty or naïve and simple. Crazy right!!! I know. So I glide through, trying to maintain some composure as I wondered at the many toys available for purchase. It was amazing. I had to really think about what I liked. Some of these items can be really expensive so you do want to think (though not too much) about what you like before you spend your money. Before reading today, I was not sure what the little skinny curved dildos were for. I had an idea but never gave it more than a brief thought before moving on. But now, now I know that that little curved tip is for me! Me, me ME! Designed with my body in mind! Hopefully, you find at least some of this funny, I know I did, as I was processing it and realized that we all have a friend who needs support in making that first trip to the adult novelty store. Everyone, needs the chance to self explore. For most guys this happens earlier in life with the onset of Mr. Spanky…(lol) Most of us girls never do it, certainly not on the more invasive side. We are told that it is nasty or that it will damage our ability to be with a man. (interesting, thought there, let me digress, How is it that I can stick a penis in there that doesn’t know what its doing and not damage myself but do it myself and I know what I like, and end up damaged? Could it be that some men just want to do it their way and not include me? Back to the topic….) So if you have a girlfriend on the rebound, take her shopping, if you have a girlfriend who is sleeping with more men than she wants to sleep with, take her shopping, If you yourself are having a hard time figuring out how to have a female ejaculation take yourself shopping! And buy some toys, some books, some oils, a whip, a paddle, a video, whatEVER it takes to be fully connected with yourself. How can we expect someone else to study and deliver for us what we/I are unwilling to study and deliver for ourselves. Learn your own body ladies! Its beautiful. (For men, what about that prostate gland, eh?)

Comment and tell me about your first trip to the adult novelty store or if you are planning one. I’m sure it will be fascinating and fun to be free of the inhibitions surrounding something so precious and wonderful.

Love yo self Girls, Love yo self! No one can do it better!

Living with Schizophrenia

2009-01-29T14:30:00.001-08:00

I am living with schizophrenia. What does that mean? What DOES that MEAN? It means that it affects my life daily. That somehow it shapes my view of the world and how I function in it. It means that I can not escape it. Sometimes it means that I have to hide things or that some things are conspicuously missing from the explanation of me. I have been living with this since I was 5. It’s really hard to do growing up in Mississippi. Most people don't talk about mental health and wellness. If someone was mentally unstable they usually ended up in the back room and the family took care of them when they had spells. It was just un-spoken that “Uncle JR had a problem” and that “yall know how he is”. So for most of my life I didn’t understand what it meant to live with this disease. I took it personal! Like God was changing up the rules with out telling me. It seemed spiteful that each time I got comfortable there would be this upheaval and all of my life, like the dishes or furniture would be turned over on the floor. How do I control this? I had no idea. I didn’t understand the nature of being addicted to leaving the medication. I thought it was hate and anger that caused this behavior. I thought that being good would save me. I tried and tried to see a pattern. There wasn’t one. How could someone see things that had not, could not happen? Like why would I want to sleep with an older man who I thought was gross? I wondered. And wondered. And wondered. And witnessed the degradation of relationships. I felt powerless. Why wouldn’t any one explain what was happening to me? How could you ignore the pain that I was experiencing? I don’t know if understanding would have prevented the woundings that took place. But it couldn’t have hurt things. Where were the responsible health care providers who are supposed to advocate for children and education? It took a long time for me to figure out how to live with this disease and I’m still working on it. I’m still healing. I’m still insatiable when it comes to reading and getting information about it. It has made me aware of my mental state and when I am overloaded. I am sensitive to an individual’s mental state when I’m talking to them. It’s in the eyes you know. Those of you who have family members with mental health issues, or if you feel stressed or depressed, get help. In what ever form or shape it may be. See a priest or a doctor or talk to your best friend. But… DON’T FORGET ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! Believe it or not, they pick up on what you are going through. And it affects them. Deeply. Just as your experiences help shape you, their experience of you helps to shape them. If you know me you are probably thinking, “Wow, I didn’t know she had schizophrenia!!” and I DON’T!!! My mother does. I have lived with it all my life. It has shaped my experience just as it shaped her’s. It has played a part in making me who I am. As the child of a woman with mental health challenges, I was not educated about what was happening with/to her. There are still huge gaps regarding my mother’s health history and what she was going through. The lack of information left me to make up my own story as a child and I felt a lot of pain and confusion regarding her love for me. Granted, her illness was/is not intentional and I know that now. I didn’t know it then. It felt personal. The effects of illness, of any kind, go far beyond the single individual physically affected. When parents suffer so do their children. No matter how we try to hide and shield them. It is better to communicate with them. If the family is financially in trouble, explain the plan. Even if it is incomplete. Let them be a part of the process, so that when they become adults they have some perspective on what it means to be responsible and they don’t have to reinvent the wheel. (They can try your old plan out for size) We don’t show our children why the cable had to be turned off, or why mommy has to stay in bed today, or the dialysis machines that have to be used, or where the heart meds are in case of emergency. But that doesn’t save them when disaster strikes. We must incorporate our children into the progress and efficient functioning of the family. That is how future generations will move beyond our greatest achievements.

Thankfully, I have learned enough to know that my mother loves me. Dearly. She made some sacrifices for me that I didn’t understand until I became a parent. She allowed me to have what she could not give me. I am proud of her. She is independent and fully functional. My mother is a strong woman. No matter what happens, she keep coming back and trying again. She had the courage to reconnect with me no matter what the circumstances. I love her. Even her doctors find her amazing. Her grandchildren think she is the absolute best and would do anything to spend the weekend at her place. (could be the snacks….lol) I admire her commitment to grow and be responsible for her health. And more than anything else,…….. SHE’S MINE, MINE, MINE. She’s my mother and there aint nobody who can take her place. I love you Momma.

White Night at the Ledo's...

2009-01-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

So last night I walk into the Ledo's pizza to get this salad that I love from there. I'm working on a goal and so needed to have the lettuce be a part of my diet for the evening. Anyway, I walk in and go to my usual table, the third one on the left. I go in and put down my books, take off my hat, coat, gloves and have a seat. Before I could sit down I notice a brother in the booth behind me. He’s with a white woman. But I’m cool. It really ain’t my business so I sit down, order my food, and start to read. Before long, the table in front of me is taken. I notice there’s a handsome brother, and again he’s with a white woman. So I watch them for a minute. Trying to figure out what the draw is. Where do they fit? I’m imagining that they must have something in common. So I’m thinking, now I’m a single black woman, sitting alone between two black men with white women. Ok, maybe God is trying to tell me something here. But I continue reading and start to enjoy my salad. The book I’m reading gives me lots of opportunity to stop and think about my life and what my life says about me. I’m gazing out of the window and low and behold the table two tables down is taken as well. You guessed it!! Another brother with a white woman! Now, by this time, I know that God is trying to tell me something. And it ain’t about black men, or men or white women either. Its about me. I’m looking at this picture and I see tables 1 and 2 with an interracial couple me by my self, and table 4 also with an interracial couple all in a row. So I ask God, “what is this about?” And I hear, “You have limited yourself by saying you only date ‘Black’”. I realize that I can not blame the black man or the white woman for the choice I made to only date black men. I am responsible for the choice I made. I thought to myself, do I only “date black” because it is all I know? Is it because I am afraid that men of other races will not understand my need for hair grease and lotion (everyday)? Is it because I do not feel equal to the challenge of embracing another culture that is no less valuable and beautiful than mine? Perhaps, I have only dated black men because my ancestors were at the mercy of white men and I feel some need to remedy their experience with my own. Maybe, I haven’t met anyone of another culture that moved me or I haven’t allowed myself to be moved. I don’t know. But I do know that experiences in whatever form, must be a result of MY choices not because of someone else’s or based on fear and ignorance.

Those men and women (and I did leave off the black and white labels for a reason) chose to connect with each other for what ever reasons. I honor and respect that. I give myself the freedom to date men (and marry if I choose), whatever their color, whatever their culture, if I find them interesting. I will to eliminate my need to classify based on age. Now, I know this ain’t gonna be easy, but it will happen and I will take those steps as the universe presents them to me. I challenge all the other single women sitting alone with their salads to think out side the little black box and see what’s out there. Push it to the limit if you will. My uncle married a Korean, my brother’s wife is white, my cousin’s husband is a Mennonite. So hey, there are so many ways to live and so many opportunities to find love. I am officially open to the possibilities!

Updated 4 minutes ago - Comment

2009-01-19T21:57:00.000-08:00

What do you want! What do you want! What do you want? Ask your self this question. And listen for the answer. True enough some of the anwers will be mundane like water, food, sleep, peace, sex, cloths, a new car or a new job. But there will also be those deeper more sincere yearnings that come up. The ones you find hard to share becasue you fear that you might not get them. Then sometimes you want something that goes against everything you stand, at least as it relates to those who are closest to you. Sometimes I'm like that. For instances, I like someone that one of my good friends thinks isn't worth the effort while my other friends thinks he definitely likes me and I should just chill. Then I had a craving to smoke a cuban cigar. I couldn't get that but I did get a fat cigar and I smoked it. Not something I do all the time but I wanted to buy one for once in my life and do it. So I did. And I shared it and I liked it. I'll probably have another one in June for my B'day. Overall, I am getting in tune with my star F@#%*ng player! Catching up with me. All of me. I also bought a pair of handcuffs and a coupla feather boas just for the hell of it. You never know when you might need something like that. ;-) If you haven't need them already. At one time, I would have been too embarrased to buy them but oh, well, those days are passed I'm here in the now. Sometimes staing in tune with myself is a real adventure because every moment is a time to create myself again. So I ask myself, will I follow "the rules" of what it means to be a "good girl" or will I be as alive as I can. When I'm an old, old woman and I tell my stories will they be filled with vitality like the stories my grand mother told me. Will my grand children think me experienced enought that my widsom is priceless. Will I look back and regret? Will I regret not loving enough while I worried about being embarrased or rejected? Now, I've always been a bit off track ,not allowing the traditional paths prescribed for me. But am I ready to ask that brother out. Am I ready to say, whatever, if he says yes or no and still be in tune? Right now I wonder if I'm in tune enough with my star F@#$%ng PLAYER to leave my job to do what I love and make a living of it? Tonight, I say No. nope. I'm not. Soon though. I see it coming. And here's why. Today, I played that GodDamn Dancing game inthe arcade. And that sh#$ was fun!!! Me and my cousins. In that moment I got over myself and did something completely rediculous. And I liked it. We traded out and competed with ourselves and with each other. And I laughed at myself. I didn't take myself so serious that I would miss a great time with my family. Each moment is filled with the possibilities of the next and being free in that moment is the same as being free in every other moment. So yeah, I got in tune with my Star Fucking Player today and played a silly game. And had fun. What did you do today! Hope it was as fun as mine.

Oh, Lawd take me with ya! Black people in mourning.

2009-01-14T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in the dinning room at my cousins house. We are all here together after many years to mourn the passing of my Aunt. Now this aint no slow music, weepy eyed morning we doin over here. Folks is playing spades, children are doing shows, some people have a little rum or some other sip-sip. Either way, we are all together and for the most part we are smiling and laughing and happy to see each other. We talk about my Aunt. Ruby.......... she told me a story about when she was younger and they used to call her little Egypt cause she was so cute and reminded the men of an egyptian portrait. She was one of the first older, (very) busty women who wore it well and with out shame and would whip those babies out to share with anyone who wanted to witness their majesty. And yes, I've seen them and they are majestic (must like mine ;-). But I remember her as always with a smile on her face and so much happiness. When ever she would come to visit with my cousins we would wait with baited breath. Stay up all night looking out the window. This was the first portion of the family that came to visit us and they (she) was special. Because she made us feel special. That someone would venture to the unpopular south (Mississippi) to visit us. We were poor and didn't have a lot of space but we sure had a lot of love. When my (grand)Mother was ill she came to visit. We knew that there was not much that she could do physically but her presence ment a lot to me. (I can't speak for anyone else. Though I suspect we all felt the same way.) Visiting her was the only "family trip" I took with my family. And yes it was complete with tupperware containers filled with fried chicken and pound cake. We were so excited! Our cousins had a house with an upstairs!!!! We couldn't believe it. We were so green...and country!!!...lol. But they made us feel so at home and so welcome.

So when we get together to mourn the lose of a loved one or the transition of one that we care deeply about, its like a festival! Completly and fully alive and celebratory of the one that we love and miss. Of course there are numerous quiet side conversations that allow us to connect privately and personally. We comfort one another without pity and hug each other just because we are passing in the hallway. I've seen so many of my younger cousins that are now taller than me that I feel like my elders when they would look at me and say, "you look just like your mama" or "is this Bertha and Jimmie's girl, lawd hamercy!" Its beautiful and makes me wonder why we don't get together 'just cause'. I suppose survival keeps us so engaged that we don't think its possible. Then something like this comes up and we realize how precious life is and we wouldn't dare let them go through this without surrounding them with our love and support.

Every person at this gathering is welcome. And we each bring our own speciality to the table. I happen to be the resident vegitarian and health nut (though I feel my practice leaves a lot of room for improvement), my cousin Lakerry is the family comedian and so we all work together to bring each other to a beautiful place. Friends of the family come by to offer support as well as distraction from the intensity of our lose and each contribution is perfect. Cause this is how black people mourn.

We don't wear black. We don't sit quietly. We don't fight over the inheritance. We don't rent hotel rooms. We celebrate and we sleep on the floor. We figure it out. 'Cause we family. And this is how we mourn. Sure we might scream and shout at the service and beg to be taken with the deceased but in the end we support each other through the lose, the pain, the sorry, the greif and the healing. This is how black people mourn, ..... this is how my family mourns.

Fragile!? Who?! Me!!?

2009-01-13T06:19:00.002-08:00

Today and yesterday, I was plagued with a feeling of fragility. Perhaps plague is not the appropriate term but in touch with a feeling of fragility. I had/have a desire to connect in a way that is peaceful and up lifting. Initially this "feeling" was met with resistance and I wondered why. In my life experience I taught myself that I needed to be invincible that no matter what, I would have to do it! What ever the it was. The root of this conundrum....... is that I expected my Father and Mother (some one out side myself) to be my hero. But they could not. somehow I translated this to mean that I should not connect and share my experience fully with others. So I became "STRONG!" A true do it yourselfer! My connection even with myself was put aside. I grew out of touch with my body, mind and spirit. Like an automaton robot. I was in Nike mode, "just do it". My sensitivity to my body's signals was all but lost. I would go, and go, and go until I would collapse from exhaustion or lash out in anger because I was depleted. I eventually lost touch with other more feminine aspects of my nature. How to nurture or allow myself to be nurtured.
Fear had me in its clutches and I did not know how to let go. Adulthood found me with a continuation of this same thread of conciousness. Not only did I refuse this for myself, I demanded that others do the same. ie. "Get youself together", "Toughen up!" and all other such expressions of power and control. In truth other peoples sensitivity was scary and reminded me of my own disconnect from my needs. I could not give to others what I would not give to myself.

My experience in this societal structure is that the female principle is not highly regarded (perhaps my experience reflects my own internal reality, since my history did not support being receptive or the idea that to need someone is ok even if they can't come through for you). Consequently, I did not regard it highly and sought to put it aside. I told my self that the way that the masculine principle functioned was better and safer and that I should use it as my predominant way of handling life's challenges. Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing lacking in the masculine way of doing things. Its just that to use only one way of being is imbalanced, rather it be feminine or masculine. I am acknowledging that my feminine principle was on hiatus.

Thankfully I realized with the help of some very wonderful people that I have a choice now. I am free to change and create a new experience.

So........ "Here's to good friends, tonight is kind of special" ...lol you know the old commercial

I allow myself to be fragile today, to say to my friends and loved ones I want to connect with you because you remind/reflect the greatness in me and because I am a part of the whole. I give myself love through the hearts and hands in my life. I am grateful that I can relax and give over to the ministration of trustworthy people. I open my heart and arms to you, and to myself! Thank God I don't have to be "strong" all the time and that I can allow myself to be lifted up by others.

Awakening the Beast

2009-01-13T06:19:00.001-08:00

Many times in life I have had an experience with another that awakens the beast. When my beast is awakened he comes to devour and destroy any thing or any one who stands in my way or threatens the "peace" (status quo) in the valley. When I started writing these notes I didn't really contemplate how much would be lost in translation. There is potential for frustration but I choose it not. I recognize that the words, opinions and thoughts of all of you serves as a mirror for my own uncertainty. It also serves as an opportunity for me to clarify for myself what I am thinking. If I feel threatened or misjudged I see it is because I am still looking to please others and to have their approval. This does not mean that I do not value support from my friends but that it can not be the sole reason for my being. I can see that there is a tremendous opportunity for me to grow in commitment to my own greatest good. I choose to accept the good and the challenging words that I encounter since they in essence come from with in me. In truth, as I began to let go of this idea that intimacy (sexual or otherwise) only means as much as I say it does I questioned my level of fidelity to this position. So I knew that you all would be there to help me connect on a deeper level. As I am evolving I recognize that many of us have similar paths and similar solutions to life's opportunities to grow and then some of us seem to be from other planets all together but thats ok. We need each other in order to create the full spectrum. I chose to see it this way. So when I feel the need to defend myself and explain, the light goes off and I say Hmmmm that is interesting. Why is the beast (and I say so jokingly) awake? Why do I feel threatened? What purpose does this moment serve? And then Ta-daah! There it is. Another opportunity to commite to my own development. Thanks guys for being my magic Mirror.

Mirror, mirror on the wall who's the freshest one of all... there was a rumble rumble five minutes it lasted... you know the rest!

Commentary from "He's Mine Damn It!"

2009-01-13T06:08:00.000-08:00

"Think the unthinkable, speak the unspeakable, REACH THE UNREACHABLE". Free yourself to express and expand. I love you.

Makeisha Surama Phillips at 12:36pm January 5

"Think the unthinkable, speak the unspeakable, REACH THE UNREACHABLE". Free yourself to express and expand. I love you.

MenShaika Modupe McCullough at 12:48pm January 5

Very interesting read. How do we overcome that feeling of ownership of another person? That's been a question I haven't found the answer to.

Heru Ra at 2:40pm January 5

Peace Queen: Ownership is an illusion. If we can deeply recognize that we belong to God and we are here to assist in each other lives, rather if that is friendship, intimacy, relationship, marriage or just the like. We all have a responsibility to those who we've establish our social bonds with. Depending... and I am saying that with flexibility and respect if people who may have a desire to connect with someone sexually or relationally if they are already in a relationship...open and healthy communication must take place first. If both parties are in agreement..then pursue. If one party agrees and the other one does not...you have to ask yourself the reason you got involved with the person in the first place? Meaning the person who wants more in another relationship. Were the lines of communication healthy from the start? We all get with people for various reason but is the intentions with those people we have established with...know the root causes?

Heru Ra at 2:45pm January 5

If you have a deep energetic connection with several people I personally would not look at that as "cheating". I am not referring to sex (that's another dynamic... that should be discussed before going forward) with these people but an emotional bond that may be needed in times of "crisis or challenges". We are here on this blue marble for a number of reasons..to realize our destiny. Who am I to say that you belong to me... when the air I breathe is a gift... just like people... circumstances etc. I am just passing through... so let me get the most out of my lessons so I can be a enlightened soul in this life and the next.

Heidi Vinson at 5:42pm January 5

well i am often torn on the same topic i think first we should decide what works for us get to the bottom of ourselves and our desires and then attempt to attact that or those people into our lives who are similiar, but the one thing that i think always gets lost is choice. if we can be open and honest with ourselves about whats going on to give the other people in our life a choice to agree ,feel the same ,walk away or what have you but give them the same choices we desire and most times thats when we have a problem.

MenShaika Modupe McCullough at 6:50pm January 5

I totally agree...it is about what works for that individual and from there you attract like-minded people.

Phillip Shawn Walker at 8:26pm January 5

Well to truly love someone is to release them and not hold on to them. And not to have an attachment to anything or anyone. Live completely in the now!! Now, Ownership of a process or a group is about being Team versus being on a Team. If i am an OWNER then I approach a process with power and love as opposed to the person who is a renter. Are you renting your lover or are you an Owner in the process. Does renting change your commitment or does Ownership have you committed without a back door? Do I own my partner HELL NO but am I an OWNER of the experience and contribute fully to the Creation? You decide!! LOVE YA!!!

Khari Menra Garrett at 7:14am January 6

Love is not about possession. There is something very profound in honoring the disires of the other person, however, so long as it doesn't mean compromising your own values. Surama, you said something quite interesting! You said when you resisted sexual impulses, you gave in anyway and the impuse became stronger. That was a matter of choice on your part. If you successfully resist the impulse, doesn't the discipline within you become stronger? Its quite dangerous to the psyche to validate such behaviors by thinking the result justifies the means.

Makeisha Surama Phillips at 8:48am January 6

I think that we should note the difference in resistance and choice. When I resisted, it was not out of an intelligent choice. It was because I was told that "God" would be angry with me if I "sinned" and had sex. I resisted out of fear, out of a desire to please those who were responsible for the flock and our immortal souls. In my resistance, sex it self became my anti-christ and therefore took up more space than Christ himself. I would worry. And that gets you no where. If I had chosen to be celibate that is different. There would have been a greater goal in my mind than simply avoiding Hell's fire! I could have said, I chose not to be sexually active because I want to conserve chi force, or simply because I chose. That would generate discipline. So I agree that it was my choice to have sex but my resisting my choice to honor someone else's ideal was folly and did not work for me. I would ask at which point did I support the statement the "result justifies the means"?

Khari Menra Garrett at 8:59am January 6

If we put aside the fears that are pressed into us from religion, we will find that the universe seemingly presents situations that toss us from side to side, from one perspective to another (usually extremes) all to try to bring us to a place of balance within our perspectives. I'm not saying that galling limitations should ever be perservered in at all. That goes totally against what I believe. I also am not saying that living solely to honor someone else is honorable at all. Self-degradation as a means of making progress only results in throwing yourself away. What I am saying is that as youth and as individuals we very innocently and without effort develop visions of our lives. Through living and acculturation, we find ourselves socializing within structures, even as small as the family unit, that press upon us another set of beliefs, just like the church did. We can't take for granted anything that goes on within us as we experiences these many forms of relating and the

Khari Menra Garrett at 9:04am January 6

-philosophies, lifestyles etc. that they present to us as possibilities. This is a continuation of the tossing to and fro that we experience. Through this various relational experiences, we have a tendency to adopt another belief, philosopy, value or whatever may come. Yes, it is indeed a part of the evolution process. Reconnecting with our youthful innocence where we cast of the defensive barriers that at time result in us so easily connecting to ways that aren't necessarily in harmony with our soul's truest desires, is a real challenge. Especially when our desires press from within us so intensely at times. It takes courage to remain resolved to have that you TRULY desire even in the face of the seeming adversity and pressure of something that comes from within us. By applying patience and developing a more solid resolve, however, we psychically trasmit to the universe our truest intentions, thus begin to attract the desires that are more in harmony with our natures. Nature cannot be

Khari Menra Garrett at 9:09am January 6

-separated from being. We each vibrate at a different rhythm no matter how connected we all are. Our angle as angels has specific purpose. Certainly live the life that you choose. All I am saying is that something in what you said suggests a lack of core integrity. I'm certain that if given the option, most of us would choose a profound intimate with one person versus many relationships that may fall very short of providing that sense of external fulfillment that we truly desire, we would choose the one relationship. This doesn't mean that we don't experience "relationship" with other people of the same and opposite sex. It does mean, however, that we use better discernment and judgement in our dealings as we understand ourselves much better. Judgment isn't as bad as people make it out ot be. We are supposed to judge for ourselves. Ego isn't as terrible as people make it out to be. I love my ego. It is a tool for making my way through the world. Balancing it out with understanding of

Khari Menra Garrett at 9:10am January 6

-general and profound oneness should only make us more accountable and discerning. Be blessed!

Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:10am January 6

I came to the conclusion that if it wasn't working that I was free to try a different approach. The approach I chose was total surrender to the universes love for me. That non of those things good, bad, or otherwise made me more or less valuable to God. The internal struggle with myself left me dis-empowered and unhappy so I stopped struggling and God rose up with in me to support all the positive uplifting things I could share. In shifting my focus I was able to increase the positive in my life and reduce the hold of fear, specifically fear regarding sexuality.

Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:12am January 6

Core integrity with regard to what?

Khari Menra Garrett at 9:19am January 6

Well your statement said something about how you were suppressing and through suppression, once you gave in, you found that you were more solidified in your yearning (something to that extent). Suppression is something that should certainly be used in moderation, as well as anything else that could lead to a choice being a galling limitation. It's more matter of the mind, however. There are numerous healthy ways to express sexual energy while still preserving one's self. I am not, by any means saying, that one should NOT express sexually. Lord knows I love me some sex dammit. In our choices, however, what is it that we are truly satisfying? That answer is different for everyone, although the core truth may be the same for many. Becoming more solidified in satisfying the longing of the flesh after supression generally shows that there is something on the level of the belief, thoughty and psyche that needs an adjustment. With this being the case, therein is where solution should be

Khari Menra Garrett at 9:23am January 6

-sought. Energy can be exhausted in many ways, and truly one way or another, an energy pattern must be allowed to exhaust in such a way that leads to greater enlightenment. This suggests that it is on the level of the thought/belief where the solutions are found. It is possible to go within and experience this enlightenment without having to experience the lessons that come from allowing the wheel of furtune to create circumstances that almost force us to change our path. Well, that is easier for some than for others. I know for me, most lessons have come from pushing the envelope. Wisdom, is the result however. It's not about rules for everyone. It's about what's right for me. I am not knocking any lifestyle at all. I like to speak about the myriad possibilities whereas most people I know speak as if their way is the way. Enjoy your life, love. If it's fun, it can't all be bad, can it?

Makeisha Surama Phillips at 9:36am January 6

Of course not! This is a grand adventure in which I am choosing to see the possibilities. The resistance issue was one that came up for me in my early 20's. During that time I was in a lot of turmoil trying to connect with the God in me. I have since grown tremendously. I do know that not everything requires direct blunt force trauma to get through my head...lol. I am only exploring the other possibilities available to me. Giving my self permission to be a sexual being has actually reduced the amount of space this component takes up in my mind. Ultimately, my choice to honor all of me has brought me to greater balance. When refusing any part of myself it cries out to be recognized as part of the whole. From my hair, to digestion, to spirit. I hope that the ultimate intention is not lost in my story. Thanks Khari Menra for this fantastic dialog. You have been a wonderful mirror for me.

Diallo Sumbry at 1:04am January 7

you know i have something to say about this but i want to let it marinate for a minute like a leg sacrificed lamb and check myself so i can be honest...i'll be back to this...But Thank you!!!!!

Kenya K Stevens at 12:09am January 8

Men don't seem to want this because they want to own women. Women don't seem to want this because they want to own men - bottom line. Forget the jargon... With 78% of females non-orgasmic and 63% of married men practicing infidelity, tell me how there is any core integrity in that? Please...It is time for a new way.

Khari Menra Garrett at 12:12am January 8

I think the real challenge is learning new ways to appreciate what you have. I don't see any men nor women in poly feeling any more fulfilled. They only try to sell it to others as justification for their own compromises. Seeing the gaps in so many of the arguments, I find myself simply refraining from further commenting. I could eat this shit up though.

Kenya K Stevens at 12:28am January 8

Agreed. It is difficult to learn to appreciate people when we are not allowed to appreciate our own sexuality and the sensual beauty of ALL others. We are shut down as a people because our core is the sensual nature. We are shut down as a people because our core is Peace itself. Like yin and yang Sensuality (animal Nature) and Peace (God Nature) must be in balance. But we should only appreciate one person right? Appreciation of more is Sinful! LOL! Not to mention appreciation of ourselves, well that's just freaking vain! Pious, chastity, sacrifice, judgment - there are Anglo Christian values, you know the same Victorian, Pious lovelies who raped slave women and neglected their wives. Ha Ha Ha! So much for Anglo Christian values! Love is not an animal...Love is an attribute of God itself. We should love freely and often... By the way, maybe it was the Anglo Christian pious, chaste ones who demonized sex and called it lust in the first place? Sex is connection to the divine

Khari Menra Garrett at 12:32am January 8

Your take on what people are saying about appreciating is exaggeratedly extreme. There are many ways to appreciate people than sexually. I can't go too much into it. If you truly desire to hear my views, we can talk about it on the phone. I can with a tremendous amount of precision show you the gaps in the integrity of your missives and expressions on the topic. I'm not in any way saying you should change because of what I veiw. I'm just saying when some shit lacks some core integrity, it lacks it. It's plain as day to me. I'm sure, if you are as open as you say you are, you will find what I have to share quite enlightening. Arcaic revelations aren't anything to fear babes.

Kenya K Stevens at 12:34am January 8

For more articles on open relationships - see my blog - http://jujumama.wordpress.com I was listed today on www.TantraExplorer.com as most relevant articles on Poly. Check it out! Thanks Suruma! Great topic. If you are in Atlanta we are having a cocktail party to discuss this topic - do join us - send me a message for an invite.

Khari Menra Garrett at 12:34am January 8

and don't get so stuck on the whole christian piece either. There are many who don't subscribe to christian views, but who do subscribe to very fundamental principle who could eat this shit up to just on the lack of structural integrity of what is being communicated.

Kenya K Stevens at 12:37am January 8

I don't fear archaic revelations, it's just that those who received the revelations were having sex with young boys and African women and ignoring their own wives. Archaic is not the problem, outdated is not the problem, the issue is that this crap does not and has never actually worked. But I know how difficult it is for a man to envision HIS woman laying up with some dude. Therein lays the problem...yes?

Kenya K Stevens at 12:40am January 8

If we are talking about structural integrity - let's discuss the stats I listed earlier - any takers? Tell me why 68% of American men cheat - they don't appreciate what they have? Why are 78% of American women non-orgasmic in bed with a man (with their toys maybe they are cool) is it that they don't appreciate his phallus? And why the failing marriages at 55% how integrated is that? Not to mention the 82% of American kids who live in broken, dysfunctional homes...so much for structural integrity of monogamy. I am not suggesting poly as an only alternative, I am just saying what structural integrity you speak of?

Kenya K Stevens at 12:42am January 8

Again, what structural integrity do you speak of?

Khari Menra Garrett at 12:48am January 8

I wasn't referring to those forms of arcaic revelations, sweets. In fact, I meant arcane. lol... My bad. But I could care less about what some controlling old farts from some other era subscribed to. I don't believe the answer is a quantum leap to the other end of the spectrum. I believe that the real solution is in raising our standards to a higher level of accountability, not forcing on ourselves beliefs and lifestyles that no matter how hard we try, we can't even honestly say that we are TRULY in agreement with. Again, I can go into the plethora of gaps within your perspective WITH PRECISION. I choose to be a bit more respectful and allow principle to show that which may currently difficult for you to see. I'm not afraid to talk about it thought. I'd much rather you request my perspective rather than slaughter all that could be slaughtered.

Maisha Hyman Sumbry at 2:27pm January 8

I would also caution us to look a little deeper than the physical aspect of relationships when trying to figure out why men cheat, why women are not orgasmic and why marriages are failing. Maybe we're putting our energies in places that aren't as productive as others and throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater.

He's Mine Damn It!

2009-01-13T06:06:00.005-08:00

so, I am contemplating relationship as you all well know by now. And I thought, why do we have such a need for ownership in this society. We would never suggest that we limit ourselves to only one friend. The thought of being able to only love one child deeply or one cousing or one brother. We know that we love each of these people in a personal way but we love them all the same. And when our brothers take one lover after the next, we do not feel threatened by their love for another and they do not feel threatened when we are betrothed to the love of out lives. How then do we offer such freedom to our sons and daughters, our aunts and uncles and then restrict our personal partners to having only one intimate partner. When I say intimate, I am not only referring to sexual intimacy but to the deep soul connections that arise from deep abiding love and affection for another person. There have actually been times when I was not sexually intimate with someone but yet had an intense connection and abiding love for them. Would this be ok as long as we don't have sex? Or is it ok to have sex as long as we don't care about the other person? Should we burden one person with the responsibility of fulfilling all of our intimate desires? That seems to me to be a huge responsibility for one person to perform all these tasks. And what happens when they fail. Do we then deny ourselves the connection we need and desire as physical beings? Should they be punished for their short comings?

I am in no way advocating a "free love" society of sexual and intimate irresponsibility. Just as you don't share your home with every person you meet you would not share your intimate life with everyone that you come in contact with. All of us have know a man or woman that was attractive to us and we were afraid to speak with them because we weren't sure how this intensity would come across. Sometimes that attraction has very little to do with sex. (I would say most times it doesn't) When we suppress that attraction it seeks a new outlet and the most common way to connect deeply is of course "SEX!" What we (I) really wanted was to sit close and talk long. To be appreciated and heard. To trust and be trusted. To give comfort to someone worthy of it.

Granted, there are scenarios where it is about sex. There is a need desire to experience this type of intimacy, to connect with your own body and the body of another. When I fought against that part of myself in the past I usually ended up doing it anyway. So, what I resisted became stronger. I did not acknowledge it as a natural part of myself and so could not interact in a way that was healthy and responsible. For some of us, the step away from sexual repression is a step into the unknown. Some believe it is the first step to a life of debauchery!... lol. When I accept that part of myself I reaffirm my own beauty and love for myself. I can see my body in its nakedness and smile. I can lay naked in front of my lover and carry on a conversation with out fear of being judged. (cause I got stretch marks and "with no bra my ninnys sag down low") But none of that matters cause in my freedom I am content.

These things I am still understanding inside myself. I'm sure that many sisters worry about the stigma of having "too many lovers" or "having 2 lovers" or "being a poor lover". How then do we address it if we don't express it? To heal our sexual selves from rape, molestation, poor self image, and a myriad of other things we have the option to engage that part of ourselves conciously and recover or full selves. I know that you are thinking something about this, especially if you read all the way to the end. Let me know what you think. I appreciate it. Have a happy, healthy, love-filled day!

He

2009-01-13T06:06:00.004-08:00

Sometimes

2009-01-13T06:06:00.003-08:00

I am not sure if you heard me hollar! I need a pesonal assistant.
I wonder if you see how hard I'm working in this program. Damn I need that assistant
I cry.
I try a different way to get things done.
I wonder how my job description is four pages long and my salary isn't....
I wonder what you are thinking! Damn. Can I get that assistant?!!!
I want to cuss yo a@# out cause I'm so frustrated with your lack of, of .... everything
I am grateful to have this opportunity to try. Even when I fail
I don't think you know me at all.
There aint enough hours in the day.
I see that God knows my heart when he helps me
I wish you were more like God
I dream of Jeannie (one blink and its all fixed)
I am Jeannie!
I can appreciate my friends cause yall keep me goin! I will make an effort to appreciate you more guys I promise.
I wonder where the super heros went and what time they will be returning?

Saying yes instead of no...

2009-01-13T06:06:00.001-08:00

I had gotten in the habit of saying no. No to support, no to dating someone younger or "too old", no to trying something unusual, no to intimacy, no to sexuality and to sex, no to everything that made me afraid or gave me that jittery feeling in my stomach. I would look at a guy and say what about this person makes me uneasy and is it enough to disqualify them? What is that about? Well for me it is about creating safety where I felt insecure. But at the same time, it blocked out a lot of the good things that people could and would offer my life. I am conciously saying to myself, relax now and breath. Where can I be more receptive and more at ease? I asked myself just last night as I sat across the table from a man who is 6years my Jr. "What about this is making me uneasy?" and I realized that instead of accepting his admiration I was thinking of how others might perceive our being out together. In my worry I wasn't allowing myself to feel the love that the universe was sharing with me. So at the point where he was sharing a conversation he had with a relative that he was going on a date, and he says to me with a smile "this is a date right" I said yes. Yes it is! Why not? And we had a good time. I felt at ease. Thank you, you know who you are.
Earlier that day, I had a desire to connect with a man who has offered me support in a way that I haven't accepted or chosen for myself in a long time. I sat with my phone in hand and debated about rather or not I should call. I asked myself "What are you calling to talk about?" "What do you want?" I wondered if he would think I was needy or unstable. I didn't know if I would appear to be pursuing him for all the wrong reasons. And numerous other ideas born of fear and internal refusal to just accept love when it arrives. So I see that my own lack of receptivity had interfered with my ability to understand and receive the love I said I wanted. So I called. I didn't know what to say. But we talked anyway. Just about who we were, where we are from and all that. When I calmed down I could see that I just wanted to reach out and see that his support would be there and not evaporate when I wanted to connect. I don't know how this will play out in my growth process but I'm glad that I called. I said yes. Yes to being connected. I made a choice to connect,... to accept and be accepted.
That morning I had the honor of being a support to someone I love dearly and deeply. It was a mild stone in our relationship. We were able to build trust in a way that we had not experienced yet together. I was very happy to have been an instrument for the healing process. At certain points I would remind myself to breath as I reminded her to breath. I would inhale and ask God to show me how to be a contribution in this moment and God would move us forward. So I thought, as I am blessed to support so must others be blessed to support me and its a wonderful web of connection and interdependence that takes everyone to a greater level of awareness and love.
In case you haven't noticed that I've written about my day in reverse from night to morning. Well thats just how I was thinking about it. And if you're reading this know that your contribution to my life and my process is welcomed. I've had some responses that have really been helpful. You guys are great! I have chosen to connect on a deeper level with myself and those in my life. Thank you all for being the reflections of love that you are. Have a wonderful, spiritfilled 2K9!

Qualities of Light

2009-01-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

I speak in flashes of light and color
My language is the music of dancing dragons
There are no limits, I transcend....
you name it.
I parted the seas and raised the mountains and find calm in the hurricanes wind
I reared the trees as my children and make friends with lions and lambs
I tie rainbows in my hair as I prepare to begin my work
Praise is my work.
Dance is my payment.
I wear wealth like raindrops on my jacket.
When I laugh scientist can understand the language of dolphins.
All the rivers of the earth issued forth from my tears of joy.
The salted oceans are my tears of peace.
I've taught nations in my classrooms and chastised the anger of dictators with my ruler.
My dreams become the future and I stop time to smell the fragrance of the Jasmine flower.
I sleep in the forest on a bed of fresh grown moss. Daily it is renewed.
The sun was my spinning top when I was a child and I did so love that toy...
Now I play jacks with the earth , and mars, and venus.
There is nothing that I am not. And you are me.
And between us all will and can ever be.
My doubt in my power created the solstice. The earth stood still in wonder.
So I re-membered myself from the choices parts of the galaxy.
Jesus was my friend when I was older. I showed him how to fight.
He used to be afraid.
Buddah and Krishna were my body guards as I traveled to this time.
Knowing my worth they protected me.
Muhammed was my lover, I whispered to him in the night of the love I had for him and
he created a nation from my love.
I am proud.
There is only u.
Limit-less and you will be limitless.
When my lashes fell butter flies were born.
Night is the blinking of my eyes.
Eclipses occur when I wink at the Universe.
We are what we imagine.

An AHA Moment!

2009-01-13T06:02:00.000-08:00

So I'm thinking of all the stuff that has come up for me and wondering what it means. and I realize that the feeling small that I experienced was a mirror and that somewhere I am doing this to others and to myself. I also realized that the reluctance I sense from the other is also a reflection of my own reluctance to engage. I can see my self in the withdrawn and stunted response to physical touch and connection. I am grateful for this person has shown me that I had not greeted my "lovers" with open arms but rather with indifference. I had resisted connection and turned my back out of fear. Now I am ready to see myself. My daughter told me I had a Bob the builder complex last night. I didn't even know???.... She says I want to fix everything, says I am often saying "I've gotta get it together" and i never say we.. so yeah. She's right and I'm growing. I will say thank you to my friend but I'm not sure if I'll hang out withem' again.

The Movement

2009-01-13T06:01:00.000-08:00

I am a part of the movement in my life. I walk toward the wonder of fulfillment. I welcome the changes and the growth. I enjoy the discomfort of "coming unglued!" in my life. I am thankful for the people in my life that love me and encourage me. I open my self to possibility.
There are so many.
There is no doubt that change in life can come in an instant and from unsuspecting places. I have also experienced the truth that trust is not earned, it is given. In moments of intense growth and change we choose to give our trust to those who would receive it and support us in that emergent instant. Though I often think I am fairly knowledgable that does not make me a guru or a fool so my trusting will be better as I familiarize myself with the ways of God. And when I say God I mean God in all its many forms.
I recognized that I was never taught how to love and have been trying to figure out how to do it "correctly" for some time, in hopes that it would protect me from life's struggles. And as a rule I often ask myself, what would I want for me if I were in the other person's shoes. Sometimes that leads me to live free from conventional wisdom sometimes not. Sometimes I must dig deep to rise to the level of maturity to be the person I want to see in the world. Just how and when do we learn to love? Who teaches us this all important value? Do we abide by some universal definition? Can we make it up and then change it as we go along? I think so. There are some people that I love and I know why. Others that I love, I have no frame of reference, experientially to explain it, I just do. But I think the error here for me is that I am not talking about love at all but affection or a certain commraderie. As I think on it, love is a state of being which when known in earnest, extends to all things, situations, and people. This type of love is an understanding of my place in the world and the value God places in me and I in it. Love in this way leaves no thing untouched and is not limited by life experience. When I choose to connect to this love I can say I love you without hesitation. No matter who or what you are choosing to be in the world.
Now, being aware of this love, does it mean I must dwell in the presence of those who do not know my value or worth or choose not to connect with me. I choose not! It does not mean I love less because I turn away. In so doing, I honor my own creation path as well as that of the other. They are entitled to their experience in what ever form they choose to create it. I am entitled to mine. Today, I decided that I would not participate in a friendship that left me feeling less than valued. For an instant I thought, will this person understand? Am I running away? Am I over reacting? Can I help them? and then I realized that I am free to have what I will to have in my life and to gain the good I must risk. And so I kept it moving. After all, What do I have to lose in letting go of something that left me feeling small?

What We Do

2009-01-13T05:53:00.000-08:00

I'm diggin the note
we right truths in quote's
to keep son's on hour hopes
fly baby mama's
Hanging on by a rope
but we dope

no time to perpetrate
I've got food to make
orders to take
smiles to fake

sweet baby father's no time for the struggle
to busy makin love to the hustle
burying the death of a dream
in between
the lines
of, "girl you know you mine"
and "Damn you fine"

sitting on the block
forgetting their yesteday's
lost track of young son's earthday's
with transformers
like Octimus prime
so your child support is behind

but we hold it down
better than soldiers
we stand on shoulders
strong like boulders
we build...

out of insanity
a future for humanity
without the falseness of vanity

we are the future....

How do I.....

2009-01-13T05:50:00.000-08:00

So I'm thinking today of all the things that are important to me and wondering how to make them all a reality. I contemplate one of the most powerful things on my mind right now and that is finding a mate that is compatible with me. Each time I approach this thought in my mind I wonder why I have not created this for my self in all the time I say I've been seeking it. I think that some of the process is impeded by fear at being rejected. Most of us have been rejected at some time or another and many times we aren't sure where it all when wrong and therefore are not sure how to avoid it in the future. When my marriage failed I questioned myself relentlessly in order to comprehend what I had missed or though I had missed.
I wondered if it was my body, my smile, my style, my child ( and I mean literally my child) or what. I asked him was it too much sex (cause I wanted it all the time, as a replacement for the lack of intimacy) what was the problem!!! He told me he just didn't want to do it anymore. To me, I could not reconcile that idea to my view of the world. That someone could simply decide that they want out and do it! Be out! Go! No matter how much criticism they got. Sooner or later I started to admire this trait. What ever a person wants they are responsible for making it happen. So as I apply this logic to my connection (or lack there of) to a partner I wonder??? Why haven't I made this happen. I've made a lot of other things happen! A friend gave me a car, I receive gifts from my friends all the time, and I am fairly successful in my career. Whats the hang up here? Somewhere I had put up a wall to protect me against the confusion that I felt at the "end" of my marriage and therefore had put up a block to many of the other more authentic emotions as well.
Where do I go from here? I have decide to allow intimacy into my life. Rather it is on a physical, mental or spiritual level. I choose to share my life with dynamic human beings and to share their lives with them. Even as I write this I think of a situation that challenges me in this area.
I have a friend that I find extremely attractive, however, he has not expressed this sentiment to me. We spend some time together and it is very enjoyable... and platonic. Some part of me wants to demand more and another part of me says to enjoy what this person has to offer. So I listen to the better suggestion and .... enjoy my friend for who he is! I do not hold back in saying "hey, I miss you" or "wish you were here" but I do it with an open hand and mind that he is free to express his appreciation for me by spending time with me. I am blessed to have many friends in my life that love and adore me (thank you God that they are there. I don't know what I'd do without them!) and I love, adore an trust them as well. How do I translate this abundance of love into the kind of relationship that I want? I am willing to learn. I am willing to listen. I am willing to grow. no better yet, I am choosing to learn. I am choosing to listen. I am choosing to grow.

My Daughter is NOT a Crack Hoe

2009-01-12T19:41:00.000-08:00

Where do I begin? I'll start with the present. I am currently 33 and shortly after I turn 34 I will also become a grand mother, a mut mut, granny, grandma, GRAND YaYa! Yes..... I am. (You're thinking she's one hot granny...lol ) Now I know this brings a lot of questions to mind and most of you are probably counting on your fingers trying to figure out how it is possible numerically. Surely some of your calculations are correct and others may not be but either way, I am gonna be a granny. This seems to be a pattern that the women in my family line tend to follow, early onset of mother hood. For most of my life I saw this as a curse to be broken. (since I at the ripe old age of 14 years 363 days gave birth to my first beautiful baby girl) I listened to the statistics, saw the worry in the eyes of my family and felt the rejection at my school. I wondered at how quickly they feared for my life. As if chidbirth was like SARS or the ebola virus or small pox even. I wept often at the disappointment I felt was coming my way, but finally found a ralling point! My brain still worked and I wasn't restricted from going to school. So, I did. And a lot happened in between then and now. But, That is not the focus of this note. For all those reasons I protected my daughter as best I could from following the same path. Eventhough I (and countless other marvelous women) had found success and peace with it. In an effort to deter her I included her in the birth process of both of her siblings. For the first birth she was only 11years old! Yes people, I had her present for the whole thing. Legs spread, squating and loud breathing. She wasn't alone though, as some consolation, she was supported by more than 10 others who were also present to welcome this ancestor back. I also gave her books about sexuality and talked with her about her questions. (within reason for her age and maturity level) All this I did and much more to try and stave off the haunting sensation that she would be as I was and inter the Priesthood of MOMMY too soon. And yes, I said Priesthood. Being a Mom and a Grand YAYA requires some laughing Buddah and Monk like qualities. Though those characteristics rise to the front, they do not arrive there with out sincere choice being the vehicle. My entry into the priesthood of MOMMY was just like in blackbelt theater when the peasant goes to join the fighting monks and gets a lesson in how to do your chores but do them with peace. My grandmother, who was raising me, had not special words, no pampering, or harsh words for that matter. She, like the quiet monks on the mountain, kept to her path and only gave an example of how to wash out those cloth diapers and to keep up with my chores and responsibilities. At the time, I did not comprehend the concern that she must have held for me. Just as I have concerns for my daughter. But I say to my self in those times when I hear her crying on the phone with her soon to be, yet reluctant, co-parent: "My daughter is not a Crack Hoe! Yeah!!!! How's that for perspective. There are so many things that come in life to challenge each of us. For some its drug addicted parents, for others its illness like cancer or in my case a parent with mental health challenges. And so far, my daughter has graduated 2nd in her class, she is enrolled in college, she works 1 or 2 jobs at times and we get along well and treat each other with kindness and respect. So if I could spin the wheel of misfortune to get some other challenge, I wouldn't. I'd stick with this one. After all, if God thought so little of her, me, us would she have sent us a little one? I do not advocate that all teenagers should get pregnant and that it is the best path, just that it is not a death sentence or the end of a life. (just the opposite ;-) We will grow through this and become more of who we are. I know I did. My first understanding of my God-ness was the reflection in my daughters eyes. I knew that I was perfect when she looked at me and it made me want to be the best me I could be. She reminded me that there was so much more to life than morning the dysfunction of my family or the poverty of my home. That there is God and in God there is possibility. Now we get to have so much more! Tua Neter for this opportunity. Thank you all for your support. We love and welcome you. Stay tuned, I'd like to share this experience with you. You all share such beautiful light. By the way, as I was driving to bus boys and poets I was listening to an ad for Dominion Fertility Center and thought , "How ironic, we tell our daughers to wait, wait, wait, while other people who waited have to pay, pay, pay to experience the blessing of childbirth. Do you find this interestng too? We have pushed the birth age back past optimal health for birth and watch the decline of (some) populations birth rates. Why have we come to view children has a hardship? And who's idea is this anyway? Well, I get to grow out of it! More cheers for me! Thanks guys for reading. Drop a comment or just say AMEN!